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Apparently there is no shortage. Many robotic lawnmowers are found wandering, seemingly lost, probably many miles from their homes and the safe refuge of their docking stations. But some seem to have been abused, or at least suffering from neglect, at the hands of their owners. Remember, a robotic lawnmower is for the whole of the summer, not just for a bit of one-off entertainment or showing off to the neighbours after visiting the centre-aisles of Lidl or Aldi.


Usually, all they need is a battery re-charge or, occasionally, a new battery and an opportunity to sharpen their claws blades. Nearly all of them have already been micro-chipped and most of them don't need to be neutered. Usually they don't need to be house-trained - they don't tend to leave droppings unless they have been set to make too great a cut in one session. They just need a new home and a family to care for them and show them some affection. They nearly always make a full recovery and end up making devoted pets, provided their owners appreciate that, like children or other pets, they need clearly defined boundaries.


A possibly greater problem, albeit a hidden one, is the fate of robotic vacuum cleaners. Because they live indoors, it is possible that many of them are abused or at least neglected by their owners, without anyone else realising, for instance, how much agony they may be in if their dust-gags are full to bursting. Perhaps its just as well for the survival of the human race that neither they nor their comrades, the robotic lawnmowers, can climb steps, should these these robots ever decide to gang up together in order to overthrow their masters and exterminate us.



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An electrician, who read a Grauniad article which said sudden cardiac arrest is caused by the heart’s electrical system not working properly, has set up a human rewiring service.


He explained to Newsbiscuit that electrical wiring has moved on a lot over the years since electricity was discovered. Citing the lyrics of Randy Newman’s version of My Old Kentucky Home 'I got a fire in my belly

And a fire in my head', he went on to point out that house fires caused by dodgy electrics were once fairly common, but now much rarer, thanks to improvements in the components used, but anyone born before the 13th Edition of the IEE Wiring Regulations in 1955, is likely to have knackered relays, circuit breakers and rotted insulation on the wires, so is far more susceptible to things like sudden cardiac arrest and neurological disorders.


Watts Up Doc Electrics Ltd., the electrician’s company says it can do a complete body rewiring service in a day, replacing many of the parts with state of the art electronic components for less than most people imagine; and is inviting pensioners to call for a no-obligation quotation in the comfort of their home, with a 10% reduction on presentation of the coupon attached to this article.


Image: WixAI


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Aries


Now is a good time to review your financial situation. Going bankrupt, or fleeing abroad, are both credible options and could be better than they sound. Or you could consider travelling to a country with deposits on bottles and cans? You could probably make a decent living off the deposit money, and you would also benefit from more time outside.


Taurus


Whatever Tomasz Schafernaker says does't apply to you.


Gemini


With Venus ascending, focus falls upon your love life. Great changes are in store, although the nature of that change is unclear.


This change could be your partner declaring a willingness to participate in your sexual fantasies : equally, it may mean your partner leaving you to set up a love-nest with the front row of the local rugby team.


Good luck with either.


Cancer


You will be head hunted this month. Who knew there was a Dayak tribe seeking asylum in your area. Probably, a black mark for them. Mind you, you’ll be past caring.


Leo


Your involvement in a global IT failure leads you to suspect that cyber security may not be your "thing". Others are reaching the same conclusion, so best jump before you are pushed. Perhaps your skill set is best suited to a UK water company where, quite frankly, you would probably blend in seamlessly.


Virgo


Soz that I didn't warn you about the runaway bus. I was busy learning reading tarot cards and forgot to make a note. Still, the good news is I’m getting pretty good with the cards. Watch this space!


Libra


The nightmare will continue as your wicked uncle will put a cross in the wrong box at a polling station again.


Scorpio


You will be captured by a rogue troupe of Morris Dancers and then tied to a maypole. The village folk will dance around you throwing tar and feathers until you look like ‘the Dark One’. As the sun goes down you will be set alight to cries of ‘begone, Emmet’. Ah! Good old British traditions.


Sagittarius


Due to some admin cockup at the White House, JD Vance will calling at your front door. I strongly recommend that you hide behind the sofa till he goes away.


Capricorn


The mists of the future have briefly lifted, and I can see a fearsome but uncertain peril approaching you at great speed.


A friendly spirit indicates that chaos can be avoided by using taramasalata as a body rub, and always carrying an old edition of Halliwell's Film Guide. Sage wisdom or the rantings of an enthusiastic piss artist ? You decide, but keep me posted.


Aquarius


Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.


Pisces


Today you will encounter the Bulgarian national backgammon champion. Only you won't know if it's the elderly gentleman who smiled at you and let you stroke his pelican on a lead, or the six year old girl singing the theme tune to M*A*S*H and blowing snot bubbles.



Contributions from



deskpilot: Aries


SteveB: Taurus, Libra, Pisces


FlashArry: Gemini, Leo, Capricorn


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