Britain to Negotiate US/Canada Peace Agreement

Great Britain has offered to negotiate a peace agreement between Canada and the United States.  This would allow the return of half of the United States to the Americans, while the rest would continue to be the eleventh province of Canada.

'I can't think of anything fairer than that' said a source close to one side or the other. 'Half each!  As for which half, I suppose Canada will want the top half - including Alaska - but it's not clear whether the Americans will want the bottom half.  It may be a bit near Mexico for their liking.'

'Maybe, if the Mexicans invade, they could negotiate to give half of their bottom portion to the Mexicans, in exchange for the Mexicans contributing to the cost of building a wall right round the whole of the American's remaining territory to keep out everyone, including the Canadians, the Mexicans and everyone else, including anyone who dares to wants to try to export anything to them.  Not sure what they'd do with Israelis though.'

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Christian car insurance company excommunicates forgiveness clause

An insurance company for Christian drivers is no longer forgiving the sins of third parties due to incurring substantial losses.

Motor insurers ‘Faith Wheelers’ have notified future policy enquirers that their popular ‘forgiveness’ clause for third party accident involvement will no longer be in force.

The company attribute this change in policy as ‘similar to Paul’s transformation on the road to Damascus. Only St. Paul wasn’t rear-ended by a sinful Audi, losing millions paying for repairs’.

Broker Jacob Appletree, explained: “For thousands of years Faith Wheelers have offered believers motor insurance policies that act as the fiscal embodiment of Christ, in that we forgive sinners for their acts of idiotic driving, insofar as covering their repair costs.

“We have however been made aware of drivers with less than perfect vehicles taking advantage of our blessed nature and deliberately ramming into our flock for financial gain. That’s not how Christ works.

“The board of disciples and sharebelievers have reasoned that there once was a time and a place for loving your fellow driver as you would yourself, but it’s not f**king now. The third quarter outlook looks terrible and drastic measures have to be taken.

“Forgiveness is therefore suspended until motorkind starts respecting each other and the share price drives a holy dividend. So although we no longer forgive those that trespass against us, we hope and pray that God and His Underwriters will forgive us. Amen-d.”

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Candidates for new Pope emerge

Leading candidates for the new pope have emerged.

King Charles. The British monarch has a number of plus points - he is experienced being head of a church, he already wears a special hat and he has a balcony. It is understood that his Majesty has offered to add being head of the Catholic Church to being head of the Anglican Church - saving money on salaries and palaces.

Andrew Tate. Nominated by President Trump as someone who could be bigly in setting a moral example. Mr Trump said, "He's a great guy - the son I'd wished I'd had."

Richard Dawkins. Mr Dawkins has proved to have an outstanding knowledge of the bible and has said that he can resolve many of the religious conundrums that have concerned the church for centuries by pointing out that "it's all bollocks".

Cardinal Secola. Although an outstanding candidate, having a "Pope Secola" would feel a bit undignified.

Cardinal Goestheweasel. See above.

Whoopee Goldberg.  Having a black, Jewish, married woman as Pope might be seen as a step too far but Ms Goldberg does have experience in dressing as a nun.

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