King aghast at Harry’s charity problems

King Charles is reported to be horrified at Harry’s disastrous problems with the Sentabale charity.

Sources report him as saying, ‘This is pretty basic stuff.   Charity work is the third most important thing about being royal.  And he’s making a pig’s ear of it.

‘The first and second most important things about being royal are, number one, smiling.   Closely followed by number two, waving.  Mind you, that lad was only ever adequate at smiling and only satisfactory at waving.

‘He has probably exhausted himself with that smiling and waving, and that’s probably why he’s made such a mess of the charity work.  And it’s with a charity that is closely associated with his mother, for goodness’ sake. That boy is such an idiot.  And I don’t suppose that She Who Must Not Be Named has done anything to help Harry either.  Heavens above.  What a shit show.  Is that the expression?  Not something Mummy ever used to say.

‘And don’t tell anyone I said that.’

Image credit: Wix AI

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts

Scientists at the University College London say that long hair has become a far greater threat to the environment than plastics, climate change, deforestation and soil erosion all put together.

A professor at UCL said the department had been studying the devastating effects of lank long-hair on the environment since watching the first two series of Keeping Up With The Kardashians nearly 20 years ago.

“Yes….it really is that serious a problem….we actually watched series two of the Kardashians.

We lost some of our best scientists as a result but there was no other way….somebody had to do it. There are times when research can be a cruel taskmaster…..whether it be witnessing the liberation of Belsen or the Cambodian genocide programme…..such horrors are hard to deal with even for the most experienced of scientists.

But the Kardashians, series two…..I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy…..on reflection maybe that was asking too much.

“The Kardanisation of our population has created widespread problems for the environment” said the scientist leading the study team.

“From turtles thinking the hair is rotting seaweed to birds thinking it is a juicy slug and feeding it to their young …the infestation of long, straight featureless hair is the greatest threat to wildlife in the UK since the Royal family learned how to use a shotgun.

The shampoos, the hair gels, the conditioners, the hot comb, the blow dry, the creams , the sprays…..they coat the hair with an impenetrable toxic veneer which has a lifespan of over 200 million years.

It cannot rot down, it can survive radiation and nuclear fallout, it can survive forest fires and floods. Once it has been washed, shampooed, had conditioner applied, blow dried and then straightened there is no known way of disposing of it.

The hair is even in our gut…ranging in size from a small discreet toupee to one of Cher’s hairpower wigs…it’s now in our everyday food…..not just McDonalds and KFC anymore”.

But for some people the long-hair pandemic has been a life saver.

Essex plumber Bob Jarvis says he’s never been busier and the blocked drain business across the UK is booming.

“It used to be fatbergs clogging up the drainage system: said Bob "….but now it’s long hair….those lumps of congealed fat, huge balls of putrid waste along with animal waste filled with sanitary towels and used condoms are a nightmare to deal with…..give me one of those old fatbergs any day”.

Image: Pixabay/pexels

Smash burgers to become invisible to the naked eye, confirm restaurants

The recent trend for ever-thinner cuts of burgers - known as smash burgers -  will continue until the point that the meat will no longer be visible to the human eye, pretentious restaurants and upmarket burger takeaways have confirmed. 

Smash burgers have become more and more popular over recent times with advocates claiming flatter, wider and crisper patties are way tastier than their traditional chunky counterparts, with rapid searing bringing out a burst of flavour. 

'Our famous smash burger is currently the thickness of a piece of paper', boasted Michael da Costa of the trendy Hoxton-based burger-joint Beef It Up. 'The cheese slice that goes with it is thicker than the burger. Its taste will blow your mind - as will the £38.50 we charge for it.'

'But that's still way to thick - burger lovers are missing out on so much flavour that comes with flattening out the burger as much as possible.' continued Da Costa.  We're launching a new burger next week which is actually thinner than a piece of hair. The burger is thin - but you can be reassured that by the fat bill of £65 you'll get for it at the end of the meal, I'm sure'.  

'Excitingly we're now working on a graphene burger, which is 10000 times thinner than a piece of gold leaf. Our expert chefs bond some of the electrons in carbon atoms with some gristly smashed up offcuts of beef. As well as the £1089 price tag, it comes in a brioche bun with a side of fries, oh, and a microscope so you can actually try and see the beef'.  

Image: Pixabay/This_is_engineering