UK to fiercely boycott American spellings of words

With the limited options available to UK consumers trying to avoid US goods, an alternative boycott is required that packs a real punch. This is because most US products are either heavily involved with local UK suppliers, like fast foods, or are just a bit rubbish anyway like their cars and mass-produced beer which are easily avoided at no great loss.

One clear method to completely destroy American influence and bring the failed ex-colony to its knees is to ensure that their sad attempt at the English language is not used at all. UK residents will ensure when writing, ALL the correct vowels will be used. You should be involved, literally, U should be involved in coloUr, flavoUr, humoUr etc. The spelling of words is not a grey area, and gray is not a word.

A petition is to be sent to the government to ban the language option “English (United States”) from all software applications. The letter Zed, as in ZEBra, not Tseeebraahh or whatever they say, is not to be used as a knock off S in many words, people need to organiSe and analySe their dialogue and recogniSe how marvellous it is. The UK is quite clear in which words to use and will unashamedly call a pavement a pavement. 

Car parts will be referred to correctly, and unless it is hydrogen, gas shall not be used to power cars. When speaking, they will purposely enunciate the H in herbs, and aluminium shall be said and spelled properly and not be bought from America. Anyone saying “like” more than twice in any sentence will be booed. Do not say donut, just don’t, they are made of dough, not do, so doughnut it is, clear?

It won’t be long until America is begging for a trade deal on UK terms, which will then be politely, yet firmly, declined as we will at one with our long-term trading allies in Europe, who we have never fallen out with.

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Hat-tips to various in NB chat room

Americans protest as tariffs force them to drink Budweiser

There was widespread disruption across the United States last night as the implications of President Trump’s tariffs on imported beer prices became understood. Despite having no tastebuds to speak of, even American drinkers prefer beers from Canada or Mexico or Europe to chemical urine.

‘Trump has gone too far this time’, said one protester on a San Diego street. ‘I can live on a diet of American burgers and deep-fried chlorinated meat, I am even prepared to drive a Dodge or a Chrysler even though they are terrible cars, if it means safeguarding American jobs. But give me Molson or Coors or Sol or, as a last resort, Heineken. Anything but Budweiser, please’.

Image: Pixabay/MabelAmber

Things described as ‘gamechangers’ actually only provide minor improvements

Innovations described excitedly by a man as ‘gamechangers’ actually offer just minor - if any - improvements on the previous ways of doing things, it has been confirmed.

Mike McBride routinely refers to new techniques for undertaking dull tasks and minor modifications to products and services as game changing, with little thought as to whether they are really revolutionary in any way at all.

‘Ordered in advance on the app for my Starbucks today - total gamechanger’, announced McBride on Facebook. ‘Saved me a couple of minutes in the queue today = maybe 4 hours over a year!’

‘Did a steak in the air fryer last night’, said McBride to his mates down the local club. ‘It’s honestly an absolute game changer for me - and I would think for anyone who wants a consistent medium rare cook throughout the whole piece of a sirloin’.

‘Local tip now open till 5pm instead of 4pm on a Sunday! #summerhours #waste #refuse #gamechanger ‘, posted McBride on his family WhatsApp group.

‘There’s a tendency for people to overstate how revolutionary quite small innovations actually are’ noted Richard da Costa, Professor of Behavioural Psychology at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly). ‘You see it being used in a whole host of situations, and it gives the person who is reporting the improvement - the ‘game changee’, if you like - a small feeling of importance and superiority in their discovery’.

‘I’ve just reported my findings of a small scale study on this exact phenomenon in a journal that will be read by probably 5 or 6 people at least - fair to say that in the field of social psychology it’s a total gamechanger’.

image: Pixabay/PixelKult