Man has nervous breakdown trying to open liquid hand wash

A man has been caught in a serious altercation with a liquid hand wash after repeatedly trying to turn the pump action cap to no avail.

Mike, 42, spent three days solid attempting to twist the lid in the right direction. He reportedly pummeled the hand wash to 'within an inch of its life' before eventually collapsing in a heap on the bathroom floor having suffered a mental breakdown.

Mike is now being cared for in a secure facility. His partner, Kate, saw this coming for a long time: 'If it hadn't been the hand wash, it would have been the child-proof cap on the mouthwash or the allegedly 'resealable' pasta bags. Mike was constantly plagued by his inability to work basic packaging. He did his best, but unfortunately he suffered terribly with clumsy sausage fingers so it was only a matter of time before it pushed him over the edge.

The worst part is that he didn't realise the hand wash was actually one of those refillable tubs so it didn't have a pump action at all. He was trying to achieve the impossible. What an awful waste - it was the expensive stuff too'.

HSE to investigate 'Jack and Jill' case once Dumpy Investigation concluded

Following a number of media stories about an accident involving a young boy named only as ‘Jack’ for legal reasons and his young female ‘partner’ Jill, the Health and Safety Executive have launched an investigation.

‘It is understood a young man was employed to fetch water from a remote location adjacent to a steep hill, with a metal can provided to convey the water. In the execution of his said duties,’ said a HSE spokesman, ‘he lost his footing, fell down the hill and sustained serious, potentially life changing, head injuries. It is understood that his partner attempted to dress his injuries with brown paper laced with malt vinegar,’ added the spokesman.

The HSE inquiry is understood to be wide ranging, including the apparent exploitation of minors in the workplace, insufficient risk assessments, the carriage of excessive loads, insufficient manual handling training, inadequate stairs with handrails and ‘very poor first aid training.’

‘Our inspectors will be carrying out a complete report into the accident once resources become available,’ continued the spokesman. ‘Currently they are investigating a serious fall from an elevated position also resulting in head injuries that appears to have all the hallmarks of a cover up from the royal family as soldiers assigned to the royal family have seemingly colluded to carry out “repairs” to the injured person without recourse to calling 999 or at the very least 111. Instead there is some evidence they’ve allowed equine resources to assist, which is unusual to say the least.

A spokesperson for the royal household confirmed there was an ongoing investigation, but insisted some of the injuries reported were ‘eggsagerated, or at least scrambled.’

Probe into false Amazon reviews, given six stars

Regulators have been analysing reviews on Amazon to determine whether the internet giant is allowing false product claims to exist on its website or is just avoiding paying any tax. ‘We found that Amazon did a fair job – five stars,’ said one (verified) investigator. ‘Too good to be true – five stars and thanks for the bonus’ said another.

The EU has been checking into the financial affairs of Amazon for some time. ‘Cheeky, unorthodox, great Tesla btw,’ was the final report headline.