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President Trump has announced his plans to make America the ‘Crypto Capital’ of the world, by removing all the ‘bulky, heavy, not very nice’ gold from Fort Knox and replace it with ‘modern’ cryptocurrencies.


‘I asked a Harvard professor how much crypto you could store in those vaults’ said Trump, ‘ and he said it was an interesting question. He’d never been asked that question before. I guess that makes me smarter than all his students.


‘We’re gonna clear out all that gold and melt it into statues to brighten up America’.


Fort Knox holds almost 5 thousand tons of gold, which Trump says will be enough to make ’10 or so’ full-sized replicas of himself.


‘Any leftover gold can be swapped for the Trump crypto coin at very good rates. Very good rates’, Trump told reporters, whilst sketching out plans for a solid gold yacht.


image from pixabay



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Donald Trump and JD Vance are at odds over their meeting in the Oval Office with President Zelensky.


The two men had a bet on who could be the rudest to President Zelensky, and the bet remains unsettled. Trump claims that he was consistently rude, and says that he demonstrated all the basic forms of rudeness to an excellent standard.   He claims that his work on The Apprentice, USA has given him more practice at being rude.  JD Vance claims that he was demeaning, impertinent and crass, and made the most belittling comments.   He says that he adopted the best elements of Trump’s rudeness, but also took it up a level.


Neither of the two men is willing to concede to the other, despite the President threatening to sentence his V-P to further visits to Europe. They are now looking for someone to adjudicate the disputed bet, as there are one hundred dollars at stake, but they are now arguing about who to approach.  Trump wants to appoint Fox News, and Vance is keen to involve Steve Bannon.


The adjudicator will not have to deal with the side bet, for two hundred dollars, as neither Trump nor Vance succeeded in comparing Zelensky to Hitler on camera.


image from pixabay



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What was meant to be a Presidential visit, has turned into a rectal holiday to remember. No soon had the UK's servile Prime Minister landed, then he covered himself in a vat of industrial jelly and sprinted to The White House for warm interior of Trump's sphincter.


The 'special relationship' is now closer than ever and comes with a free prostate examination.


Surviving on a diet of Big Mac remains, Starmer plans to remain in this lower cavity until his popularity improves - which could be never.


Sir Keith (sp) is not the first PM to disappear up a President's butt, but he is the first one to enjoy it. Asked why the PM had seen so keen, an aide remarked: 'He heard that Peter Mandelson was enjoying his time in Washington, so he just wanted to hook up with all the other little shits.'


image from pixabay


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