Outlook better still be down on Monday fume office workers

'I was going to blame this outage for the fact I haven't done any work for most of the last 6 months.' said office worker Gary Grimthwaite, who loathes his job, both privately and publicly.

'I bet those dweebs will be in at the weekend fixing it too, so on Monday morning I'll be able to work as normal. I wonder how long I could claim it still isn't working for me. I reckon I could buy at least a day. There's a Bergerac double bill later.'

IT Manager Amy Armstrong said, 'It's a worldwide problem, so I can't do anything about it. Apart from claiming the overtime for supposedly working on a solution. And the credit for turning our servers off and on again.'

CEO Clementine Carruthers fumed, 'This just proves that working from home is morally wrong. The plebs should be in an office where I can secretly monitor them on CCTV from my yacht in international waters. What is Outlook anyway? I do all my communication on the Dark Web. Nothing dodgy.'

Carruthers' PA sighed, 'I changed the background colour of her laptop to black and told her it was the Dark Web. And she's definitely going to jail.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Horoscopes for March by Tinkerballs

Aries

You gran may be bedridden but I advise that you don’t visit her unless accompanied by a lumberjack this month.

Taurus

If you must walk through the forest, may I suggest that you take a decent satnav with you, rather than leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Come on! It’s 2025 for goodness sake.

Gemini

Those of you with porcine characteristics are advised to stay with relations this month. Your jerry-built houses rented from private landlords will not be able to withstand Storm Wolf which is forming in the Atlantic.

Cancer

Times are hard. Food and fuel costs keep rising. However, sending your idiot son to sell your cow at the market can lead to very unexpected events. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?

Leo

You will wake up naked on the seashore and meet a handsome young man. However, you are not a little mermaid who was given a potion by the Sea Witch so that you can walk among humans. Your drink was spiked in that bar in Benidorm. The only part of the fairy tale that is true for you is that you were legless last night.

Virgo

Hey, princess. No-one is going to believe you caught herpes ‘kissing frogs’ down at the riverbank. Better just ‘fess up.

Libra

A word to the wise: you may feel that your property is secure; what with it being in a castle in the clouds. However, you may find that a sneak thief steals a bag of gold coins, a magical hen that lays golden eggs, and a golden harp. Better install some CCTV before it’s too late

Scorpio

If a swarthy man with a bald head, topknot, bare chest and baggy silk trousers approaches you and offers to grant you three wishes, run away and don’t look back. I shouldn't really need to tell you that!

Sagittarius

You will have a long, surreal conversation with a person in a mirror through the night. The mirror won’t be magic, but the mushrooms you ingested two hour before will have been.

Capricorn

If you share accommodation with seven miners of restricted growth, you would be well advised not to eat any fruit offered to you by a weird old woman. Instead, carry on with your routine and, eventually, I handsome prince will call by, you will fall in love ,and live happily ever after. Just remember that bit about the old woman and the fruit. OK?

Aquarius

You may meet someone who has an unattractive appearance. To such an extent that their friends call them ‘the Beast’. You may try to convince yourself that deep inside they are kind and caring. They won’t be. They are a total arse!

Pisces

Refrain from eating shish kebabs this month. One of the skewers will be one of Rumpledforeskin’s spindles. You will be forced to spin straw into gold forever. What do you mean this sounds like a fairy tale? Do you think I’m making all this stuff up?

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Tristan Tate's book: How to be the 'ultimate beta male'

Tristan Tate, brother of the more famous Andrew, has written a book about how to harness your 'beta male energy' to become the second most famous and impressive guy in the room, provided it’s a small room with only two guys in it.

The book includes useful tips such as making sure you’re in the background when people take photos of your more famous brother, as well as tweeting obsequiously about him at least once a day.

'For example, when Andrew announced we were moving to Romania because their laws on sexual assault are weaker, I commented ‘Yeah!’ Which I think really made people sit up and take notice.

'And it’s working. Whereas a few years ago, focus groups showed that hardly anyone had heard of Tristan Tate, now people are more likely to respond ‘No, I don’t think…oh wait, is Tristan the brother?' '

However, preliminary indications are that Tristan may have trouble finding a publisher for his book.

'I honestly thought there was no one sadder than Andrew Tate, bragging about abusing women and then being surprised when he ends up in court for doing exactly that,' said one well-known publisher. 'But it turns out there are wannabes who are even cringier.

'Sorry to be slow in responding to your enquiry, but after reading his manuscript, I felt the need for a very long shower.'

STOP PRESS: Tristan announced today that his book would be published after all, because Andrew told his publisher they couldn’t have his next book unless they agreed to publish Tristan’s as well.

'No problem, bruv, happy to help,' Andrew told his pathetically grateful brother. 'But, er, now you’re making some money, maybe you could think about getting a place of your own, yeah?'

Picture credit: Wix AI