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Film producer picks unqualified halfwit to fix his toilet

Film producer Sidney Loot admitted today that he regretted choosing someone with no experience or qualifications to fix the leak in his toilet.

“Sure, there are plumbers who’ve actually learned how to do the job, and done it reliably for years,” Loot told journalists today. “And I suppose I could have gone with one of them.

”But then I thought, why not pick someone based on who their parents are and the size of their social media following? It’s what I do at work, after all.”

Young, raffishly handsome Toby Nepo declared himself very grateful for the opportunity and promised Loot he wouldn’t regret his decision, whilst privately admitting to friends he didn’t have the first clue about fixing toilets.

Loot’s PA was in the middle of drafting a press release about how Nepo’s famous parents only meant he had to work twice as hard to prove himself, when she noticed the office was now ankle deep in watery shit.

Nepo’s millions of followers on TikTok were then treated to a 15 second clip of him desperately trying to stem the flow, accompanied by the text “Awkward!” and the “facepalm” and “crying with laughter” emojis.

For his part, Loot said he had learned his lesson and would go back to his usual practice of hiring models-turned-plumbers entirely for their looks.

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

Priest strike to delay processing of forgiveness of sins

Threatened industrial action by some 400,000 catholic priests worldwide is set to begin this Sunday, on the feast of the holy labourer. Guilt ridden catholic nations, set to endure the worst effects of the strikes, are bracing themselves for public waves of entrenched doubt and regret.

The strike action has been called by priests angry at the papacy's ban on clergy taking work as freelance spiritualists. Priests subsidise their modest incomes moonlighting as jack-of-all religions in cult ridden minority communities, officiating at voodoo wedding ceremonies, and performing mass online tarot readings. Elsewhere, in godless modern Britain, they serve part time as totems of the standin religions, appearing as mascots at Championship level English football sides or judges on Strictly.

Now Rome has had enough. 'Haec nos pigra c*nts satis,' said a prelate in the Vatican, insisting priest pay rates suffice. Papish stubbornness, it seems, will not ease church discord, however. 'I shall be picketing the cathedral this Sunday,' warned an angry priest. 'I see it as an article of faith, indeed a divine obligation -should there be any- to clump any scabs.'

Police, fearful of a minority of violent clergy, have threatened to arrest those who tweet about Southport. Meanwhile to find similar examples of industrial action, you must search back to the Church of England strikes during the early Thatcher years. At the time, no one noticed.

Image: Pixabay/aszak