No way to predict passenger numbers say airlines who sold tickets

A spokesman for the airline industry lit a cigar with a £50 note before stubbing it out in the eye of a small child whose summer holiday will now comprise a taxi ride to and from Manchester Airport.

'We cancel families summer holidays at the last moment, then hide and watch as the police inexplicably do our job for us. We knew our staff and plane numbers, so we could have declined the booking – but we didn’t.’

'We've got a few empty planes going to Kigali, or Dover South as the budget airlines are calling it. It's peachy there this time of year unless you criticise their government. If you do, let's just say that airport security are going to 'randomly' search your orifices with something blunt and rusty. Very thoroughly. To death.’

Image: Pixabay/ThePixelMan

Airline under fire for duct taping a passenger, switches to Pritt Stick policy

A major airline has suffered the harrowing indignation of an online backlash for duct taping an unruly passenger to restrain them. Mindful of the bad PR, unprofessional look, and sticky situation of the circumstances, they have rewritten their onboard policy for handling extreme in-flight situations.

The airline in question has opted for a lighter touch by advising staff to use a zero tolerance Pritt Stick protocol, with additional Blu Tack if needed. In very serious cases, an escalation to a thorough plastering of troublemakers with Post-it Notes might be required.

This flies in the face of what decent, law-of-the-skies-abiding passengers actually want. One regular flier with more Air Miles than sense said, "If I am on a flight and some nitwit tries to open an emergency exit, then blunt plastic cutlery ain't going to cut it. I want the crew to pile right in on them immediately and use a Jason Statham level of force. They can lash them with 'for demonstration purposes only' seat belts, and stuff stale inflight buns in their mouths - whatever it takes get 'em under control and shut them up. If a 'not to be inflated in the cabin' life vest needs to be blown up with the top-up tube while it is inserted in their bunghole, then so be it."

An unnamed budget Airline which rarely deposits passengers anywhere near where they actually want to go has confirmed that any customer requiring restraint will incur an £80 surcharge for the duct tape.

Image: StockSnap/Pixabay