Exclusive: Johnson tells the truth

In a staggering exclusive, we can reveal reports are circulating that feckless oddball and utter buffoon, Boris Johnson, has told the truth in what's believed to be the first time ever.

Details are sketchy but apparently the former PM (nope, me neither) was asked by a rough sleeper in The Strand, "Here, you're that Boris Johnson, aint'cha, mate?'

At first the charge was vehemently denied and it was only when the down and out offered to buy him a coffee at a nearby Starbuck's, Johnson replied, 'Coffee, eh? Spiffing. Actually, I've had no brekker and I'm famished. Fwuff fiffle foo-yee-ah. Tell you what, I'll have a Pumpkin Spice Latte with three Pain au Chocolat. And yes, well spotted, I'm Boris Johnson.'

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"Stop sending us these freaks!" plead residents of the Chiltern Hundreds

'I know where we live is only a desolate patch of bogland somewhere to the south of Aylesbury," said a spokesman for the residents of the Chiltern Hundreds, 'but we were happy here.

'That's until Parliament started trucking in a series of freaks and misfits to be our 'Steward and Bailiff'. Apparently, that's the law. If you want out of the Commons, you have to come and run this place. 'The first steward creature was a blond-haired, scruffy kind of orangutang which lurched around the place brandishing a champagne bottle and touching people for money.' "Come on, chaps!" it'd say. "Help out an old Tory toff when he's on his uppers! Some of us have wallpaper bills to pay!" 'But he was a pussy cat compared to our current Steward and Bailiff. 'She's spent the past week staggering through the village lanes swigging Jägerbombs, spray-painting walls with graffiti saying "Rishi is a bummer", flicking V-signs at passers-by and screaming 'I should be a bleeding Lady!' at the top of her lungs. 'And I've had a tip-off that the next degenerate to be foisted on us is Matt Hancock. 'I swear that if he sets foot here, we'll string him up. It's the only language these political deadbeats understand.'

Nadine by-election to produce two MPs to cover her workload

A sobbing Prime Minister has announced that the Mid Bedfordshire by election will produce two seats ‘so that Nadine’s exceptional work can continue’.

‘Stop all the clocks’, he told reporters. ‘Cut off the telephone. Basically, that poem from Four Weddings and a Funeral. We’ve looked at Nadine’s extraordinary output in recent years and there’s no way that one MP could cover it’.

Nadine Dorries’ nickname was“110%“, a reference to her tireless parliamentary work, her relentless pursuit of constituency matters, her laser-focus on the detail of every brief she was given and her legendary sobriety.

Dorries was loved – worshipped, even – by parliamentarians from all sides. ‘She was one of us’, a Labour spokesman said. ‘Working class through and through’. ‘Gawd bless ‘er’ said a random Cockney we found in a pub. ‘I’ll never forget her gagging on kangaroo penis when she should have been in Westminster. What a gal’.

Tributes continue to pour in for the sober, intelligent, hard-working MP who took 11 weeks to clear her desk, so determined was she to leave behind a strong legacy and to benefit from changes to departure payments. We may never see her like again. Nadine, Queen of the Commons, we salute you.

Image: Pixabay/mounsey