Johnson worried about "Happy Birthday, from Dad" WhatsApp messages being counted

Ex-prime minister, leading Brexit cheerleader and Vileda Mop model, Boris Johnson, is holding on to his WhatsApp messages until he can delete the numerous messages that say "Happy Birthday, from Dad".

If released, the messages sent in the space of a year could theoretically be counted, and the number of children fathered by the serial breeder may finally be known. However, leading statisticians say it would be unlikely as the computing power needed to filter through the rest of his bloviating, and to then calculate the number of happy birthday messages would exceed that used to run and manager the Large Hadron Collider.

Known offspring of the former Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary and Zipwire Dangler include Lara, Milo, Wilfred Frank, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Tinky-Winky.

Johnson has so far refused to admit to the number of children he has and the release of these messages may end up becoming an embarrassment for the up until now unembarrassable. Speculation has already started on Twitter into the name of some of his other children.

Jeremy Vine took to the platform to urge children of Johnson's to publicly come forward to stop innocent people being linked with the story.

"It's not fair to those being falsely named to have their reputations dragged through the mud" Vine said. "Even Huw Edwards had to distance himself from sharing DNA with Boris"

We have tried to contact some of those in the frame. So far, Mr Blobby has refused to comment.

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Boris Johnson’s phone ‘might be a dirty bomb’, say experts

Technical experts have revealed that Boris Johnson’s old phone might be a nuclear weapon, or possibly a device which squirts Ebola virus into the air when you switch it on.

‘Anything could happen’, said one expert. ‘Maybe it was made with alien technology. I mean, it looks like an iPhone but you can’t be too careful’.

A recent planning application shows an ‘underground extension’ to Downing Street which would include a ‘nuclear blast containment centre’. If planning permission is granted – the Council have been told there’s ‘no great rush’ – it could take up to twenty years to build a suitable containment facility.

‘Look, I’m as keen as everybody else to comply with the court and release those WhatsApp messages’ said Rishi Sunak. ‘But they only exist on the one phone because, erm, that’s how messaging works. So we’ll just have to wait for everything to be made safe and hope nobody accidentally flushes it down the . . . . oops, butterfingers!’

Image: VIJENDRAKUSHWAH - Pixabay

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Cat dies, resulting in blanket press coverage

Tiddles the cat has died and many media outlets have shown an extraordinary fascination in the story, halting coverage of almost everything else.

Tara Taylor, who owned the former feline, sniffed sadly 'I loved little Tiddles. He was getting on a bit, but I didn't think his death would warrant blanket national news coverage for several days. The Sun did say it had a dossier on Tiddles' life, but they never produced it.'

'It's almost as though huge sections of the press are deliberately avoiding the casual cruelty of a government who openly court the racist vote. Don't the Murdoch press want to hold Boris Johnson's allies to account over their interference in the Partygate probe? It's almost like they'd prefer we forgot about that.'

A Sun reporter alleged 'At The Sun, we think paedophiles are the cats' pyjamas - the dead cat's pyjamas.'

Image: Ty_Swartz - Pixabay

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