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Uxbridge By-Election Candidate List


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Cameron Nobody - Independent


Count Binface - At This Rate We’re Going To Win Party


Piers Corbyn - Unthinkable Love Child Party


Laurence Fox - Reclaim Credibility Party


Chester Aubergine - Social Democratic (Same Manifesto Different Name) Party


Ed Gemmell - Sod The Economy & Welfare State We’re Just Interested In The Climate Party


Sarah Green - Blue Peter Party


Kingsley Hamilton - Financial Times


Richard Hewison - Rejoin EU (Another F#@king Referendum) Party


Boris Johnson - Official Monster Raving Loony Party


77 Joseph - Which AI Doombot Party


Rebecca Jane - UKIP Timewarp Party


Loretta - People’s Front of Judea


Leo Phaure - Daily Mail White Residence Rat-Catching Party


Ivor De’Ath-Whyshe - Conservative Party


Richard Pryor - None Of The Above




Boris eyes lucrative Stannah Stairlift contract


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After grifting for promoting a weight-loss supplement in his Daily Mail column, former PM (yes, really) Boris Johnson is rumoured to be setting his sights on the lucrative ‘coffin dodger’ daytime TV slot.


‘There’s a lot of money in funeral plans, mobility aids and equity release’, a spokesman told us. ‘When a genuine celebrity like Judi Dench lowers herself to do a TV ad people feel sad, but our research shows that nobody would be surprised to see Boris selling dodgy products for disreputable companies in between episodes of “Nazi Megastructures” and “Father Brown Investigates” ‘.


Daytime TV might be the perfect habitat for Johnson. He has always gone down well with the elderly & confused, and his particular brand of jocular racism still strikes a chord with Generation We Used To Have An Empire, You Know. The only challenge might be finding a stairlift or mobility scooter man enough to cope with his bulk.






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