Amber alert issued as Johnson rut approaches

Experienced Boris-watchers have expressed concerns that this years rut may be 'devastating'. The ex-PM, ex-MP finds himself untrammelled by the burdens of office, and will need an outlet for his considerable energies as summer approaches.

'Relieved of maintaining the web of lies to his Party, Westminster, and the public in general it is likely he will revert to a more basic demonstration of his prowess' confided Jim Backshaw, Emeritus Professor of Pfeffelology at the University of Staines, 'No female with a pulse within a five mile radius will be safe from his attentions'

The professor also concluded that these urges will be further fuelled by his need to regain status.

'The Big Beast has been ousted as alpha-male, and will seek means to redress this - we can expect some sort of display of fecundity, such as frantic hooted challenges and ritual masturbation, as he attempts to re-establish his dominance of Downing Street'.

Whilst privately admitting that such a display would be 'awesome and magnificent', the professor did admit that this behaviour could escalate and become a danger to the public.

'If this does become the case, regretfully we may need to sedate and neuter him as a safety measure. A former colleague has already stepped forward and asked if she can handle the scalpel'

Image: Newsbiscuit

An expert is called in to examine Boris’ WhatsApp messages

Clout warning level raised to ‘idiotic’

Stealing a march on the proposed ‘It’s a bit hot, maybe downgrade to a 12-tog cardie’ proposed "durr" warning system, government and law enforcement bodies issued the highest level Clout Alert across the country. ‘Civil unrest may have spread to orange paint spattered across the Chelmsford populace, and go-slow protests in Weston Super-Mare, neither of which have any discernible effect,’ said a police spokesperson, ‘But one regulation no British citizen would consider breaking is the eminently sensible ‘Ne’er cast a clout till May is out’. However, due to the second half of May surprising us all by remembering what the average temperature should be, people have been desperately casting clouts since early doors June 1st, with no thought to basic health and safety, let alone decency laws.’ Confusion has been exacerbated by no-one under the age of 147 remembering what a clout is, leading to hordes of naked pensioners frolicking across foundation-garment-strewn parks, and all manner of household goods being vicariously thrown from windows nationwide with more velocity than Boris Johnson changing his publicly-funded legal team. Blacksmiths are reporting unprecedented requests from folklorists convinced a clout is some kind of cast iron stable tool, with the traditional three unequal legs and simple pleated pixane, or bishop's mantle, collar. However since the last forge was turned into the inevitable hipster eatery last month, all they can offer is an artisan pine-needle foam drizzled over an anvil.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/