Delivery companies to strike over "Boris Day" working conditions

Delivery companies in the Home Counties have called a strike for Father’s Day weekend this year (June 17th-18th). According to the Delivery Drivers Association, it’s not just the growing quantity of post on what the industry increasingly nicknames “Boris Day”.

Head of the Association, Pat van Clifton, said 'Did I say we’re delivering for the British people? Anyway, we were just about coping with the amount of post, although not all of the consignments smelt very salubrious, know what I mean. Now, though, there also seems to be a range of addresses each year, meaning we can have members in the wrong place several times over the weekend. Ask yourselves, is that appropriate for Boris Day?

'The challenge got particularly acute during lockdown where was so much traffic at Chequers, that our schedules were put out for days.

'This is a complex logistical challenge and our members deserve better pay and working conditions if we’re going to keep delivering for the British people.'

Mr Johnson will be approached for comment, when we can locate him.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/romeosessions-21018118/

Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.

‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’

Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.

Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.

Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.

Image: unsplash/Patrick Tomasso

Boris Johnson defies the physics of laws as his own defence team find him guilty

The gravity of the situation could not be more galacticly tittersome as the physics of laws bend around the most incompetent thing in the universe.

Former prime ministerial duty shirker, layabout, and world-beating coward, Boris Johnson, thought he was playing another blinder of a swindle by still getting the UK taxpayer to fund his legal team. Overpaid, overworked, and now over there on the side of the prosecution... What? Eh?

The way it is supposed to work, is that you do whatever the hell you want, pay off some chaps in wigs or something to clean up all of your messes for you, totally get away with it, and jolly well carry on carrying on. That's the way it has always worked, and that's the way it was always designed to be. Even went to the lengths of ensuring those pesky meddling Europeans couldn't interfere with their heinous laws of reasonable fairness. And into the con, you get to patriotically shaft the people of Britain seven ways from Uxbridge.

Roger de Badger, a legal eagle on Johnson's crack law team sighed, 'Well he's just too guilty of too much stuff, if you'll pardon the plain English. We're supposed to be bound to protect him and serve his interests, but the magnitude of his illegality folds back in on itself. Not so much a party event, as a party event horizon - even if one only focuses on the relativity of his low-scale misdemeanours. We've never before encountered this third kind of justice warping.

'The totality of his implosion created a black hole of the indefensible, and it's forced a rather unique singularity to occur where there was no way to prevent him from sucking himself under his own party bus.'

image:unsplash/James Van den wouwer

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