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Journalist: Worst thing Boris ever did was have a party


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While Mr.Johnson's ex-wives would beg to differ, apparently an illicit office party is the worst thing he has ever lied about. Standing next to a bus with £350million printed on it, one reporter said he could think of no other time Boris misled the country.


'Thanks to years of undercover investigation, we have finally revealed the greatest scandal of all time. And by years of investigation, I mean ten seconds scrolling someone's Facebook page.'


He remarked smugly: 'We called it Partygate because it's exactly on the same scale as Richard Nixon's electoral crimes. If anything, this is worse because it involved cake. By the way, I'm very clever.' Asked if he thought this was a massive distraction from thousands of unnecessary Covid deaths and industrial scale corruption, he replied: 'Nope. I'm very clever.'




£220k for that?


ree

The country is aghast that it has paid one of the foremost KCs a massive amount of money to prepare ex Prime Minister Johnson's defence and all it got was a fifty page diatribe full of typos, non-sequiturs and absolute BS. As one legal expert noted, 'Johnson could have tossed off that nonsense himself in half an hour'.


Many are starting to wonder if Johnson was actually told to sit in a corner and write down what he thought his defence should look like while the grown ups wrote down what they knew it should say? The thinking is that although Lord Pannick will have written something much more sublime, carefully crafted and with the apostrophes more or less in the right place it still wouldn't have provided any more defence than the busy-work Johnson provided in crayon, so he retained it in case he ever needed to re-use any of his hard crafted words for someone more deserving, Putin, perhaps.


Nonetheless an outraged country expects more than absolute Horlicks for its £220K - say 100 pages, or maybe 120. But it is simultaneously relieved that at least the final submission didn't actually include anything that would help Johnson - phew!




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