Just in case his lies get him sacked yet again, Boris Johnson is supposedly intrigued by the Casey Report's description of the Met Police as ‘racist, misogynistic and homophobic’. One aide said ‘That description sounds like something Boris can really get behind - in good faith and on the basis of what he honestly believes. Then he can do a misleading but unintentional 180 whenever it becomes expedient.’
One Tory MP said ‘If Boris does get kicked out, he’d need to go somewhere where “racism, misogyny and homophobia” is the motto, probably in Latin under the crest. The Met Police seems like a logical fit – he could go door to door in Uxbridge and South Ruislip and taser everyone who doesn’t vote for him on whatever charges he likes.’
Meanwhile Nadine Dorries’ office appeared to confirm that the same woman who didn’t know who pays for Channel 4, will self-immolate outside the Privileges Committee Rooms if her hero Boris was found guilty of having misled the House of Commons. As petrol is still pretty expensive, several thousand yet-to-be-pulped copies of Dorries’ novels will be used as kindling.
A statement, possibly written by Dorries herself (in crayon and in capitals) read ‘BJ didn’t mislead the House because everyone already knew he was lying. I call him BJ because... well... you can work it out for yourselves.’
Officials dealing with Boris Johnson’s honours list proposals say that worse is to come as Liz Truss’s proposals are even more challenging. An insider provided us with the following extract from her suggestions, which have been annotated with notes by an unnamed official:
My Honours List, by Liz, age 47 and 3/4
BEM for the Chairman of the British Cheese Council, because I Love Cheese!
OBE for Instagram. I just love Instagram. Are they British?
OBEs for my schools, Parkcrest Elementary, BC, Canada and Roundhay, Leeds
OBE for Tigger, my role model
OBE for Truss Island in the River Thames. I’ve never been, but it sounds nice
OBE for the Oxford University Lib Dem Society – they made me what I am today
- I don’t think the XPM understands that you can’t give OBEs to things. I’ll speak.
Ten OBEs awarded to people called Truss by lottery.
- There is already a process for randomly distributing honours – it’s called the Honours Committee
CBE for The Rt Hon Mark Field. I can’t say why.
- Well, this beats Boris trying to ennoble his Dad
Companion of Honour for my husband, as it’s an honour for him to be my companion
Royal Victorian Order – Jacob Rees Mogg – seems appropriate
Privy Council – Peter Bottomley. Because that would be quite funny. Privy – Bottom. Geddit?
- Groan
George Cross for me, as I was very brave and heroic when I was PM
- The committee may take a different view.
And also -
A statue of me in Eltham South (subject to donor funding), commemorating my election as a councillor
- I expect that we will have to give Eltham South extra money to keep the statue clean and egg free. I don't suppose that the donors will want to pay for that.
A metro mayor for Narnia – Mr Tumnus, perhaps?
- First Tigger and now Mr Tumnus. Awards for fictional characters will be a first, but could turn out to be popular
Kwasi Kwarteng – freedom of the city of Mariupol or any of the places featured in the Crap Towns book
Henry, please can you circulate the original email for comments. I’d like to know how many of my colleagues are reckless enough to support any of this nonsense. Q
H/T Sully
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