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A row is brewing following reports that in his resignation honours nominations, Boris Johnson, has nominated his dog Dilyn for the post of Most Munificent and Mighty Pet Tsar.


The appointment is being seen as all the more odd because no such position currently exists. Nevertheless, sources close to the blundering buffoon say the pooch's name is definitely on the list.


One commented: 'Boris is rather fond of the little chap and feels the golden kennel and diamond-encrusted collar he's demanding accompany the title, will be a well-deserved reward for being a dog. As a matter of fact, Boris has further requested the world's largest diamond, The Koh-i-Noor, be removed from the crown jewels and given pride of place in the collar.'


The source clarified that on the leaked honours list, where it says "Patrick Stanley Johnson" at the top, it should of course, have read "Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson". 'We all know Boris doesn't do detail, hence the Northern Ireland Protocol, Brexit in general and his list of children in Wikipedia.'


When asked if perhaps Mr. Johnson might be showing signs of advanced megalomania, the source replied. 'No not at all. If this kind of thing was good enough for Caligula, then why not for World King Boris?'


H/T: throngsman









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Celebrity muck-raker Isobel Oakeshott "can't understand" why several potential clients have pulled out of employing her to help write their autobiographies.


"Matt's book is all over the news, he should be happy" fumed a confidential confidante of Ms Oakeshott, whose name we'll reveal in next week's Telegraph. "Izzy always makes sure her clients get loads of publicity, just ask David Cameron. She offers a watertight legal guarantee giving clients total control over all their data, until such time as she gets a more lucrative offer. Or get bored."


It's understood that literally several politicians had been considering using her services, but no longer. Said one 'everything she does involves cocks - time for me to pull out.' However, things may be looking up for her now that her WhatsApp has just pinged with a message from a Mr Johnson.





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The Conservative Party’s faux outrage machine may overheat following Labour’s decision to hire Sue Gray and Boris Johnson’s decision to be guilty of all charges, but still maintain that he isn’t. Even though he is, as the Tories love law and order, but don’t think it applies to them.


A spokesperson for Sue Gray said ‘She’s so neutral, even her name is Gray. As a civil servant, she worked with the Conservative government of the day. She’s been exposed to so much cognitive dissonance, maybe joining Labour is a cry for psychological help.’


Tory intern Hootington-Hurst walloped the outrage machine with a spanner saying ‘To operate this machine you need to wear high quality PPE, not the kind of PPE that Matt Hancock would source. Much like Isabel Oakeshott, that is way too leaky.’



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