There's no possible way to know the location of Northern Ireland. That's the view of the Conservative Party, who consider Northern Ireland symbolic of the fundamental right-ness of both Brexit and the British Empire - two sides of the same, very British coin.
However, some Eurosceptic Tories blame the EU for the Troubles in Northern Ireland. One said 'The English have selflessly brought peace, prosperity and joy to all of Ireland for centuries, from Jack Charlton to Oliver Cromwell. That's why all of Ireland is so united and happy to be a part of Britain and not under the fascist, totalitarian jackboot of Brussels oppression, with all their human rights and salad ingredients.'
The number of Tory MPs who could correctly identify Northern Ireland on a map may now exceed zero. However the number who understand its history and constitutional status remains equivalent to the number of healthy items in an Ulster fry.
'Here!' boomed one, pointing to Wales with wildly misplaced confidence. 'The first minister is called Nicholas Surgeon and the Parliament is in Hollywood.'
'No, it's that one' interrupted a colleague pointing at the Isle of Man.
'It's a trick question' said another. 'There are no Tory MPs there, so it doesn't exist.'
Other suggestions for where Northern Ireland might be included North Yorkshire, the North Sea, Namibia, Narnia and the 1970s.
A troublingly dead looking Tory MP reanimated from a brandy-induced nap to bellow 'There is no Northern Ireland. There is only Zuul.'
