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Government sets up independent inquiry into independent inquiries

Updated: Jan 31, 2023


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The number of independent inquiries into government activities has has reached unprecedented levels, according to an independent inquiry into the number of independent inquiries set up by the government following complaints that there are too many independent inquiries into government activities.


'Independent inquiries are expensive, take forever and don't provide good value for money,' the inquiry is expected to conclude sometime in 2038 at an estimated cost of £3 Billion, with recommendations that the inquiry is followed up by an independent inquiry to determine the best way to conduct independent inquiries, with a target date of 2062 for reporting back to government. 'Time, obviously, is of the essence,' the inquiry chair stated in it's preliminary report after the leader of the opposition who preceded the current leader of the opposition four times removed complained that the report into independent inquiries was taking too long. The leader of the opposition preceding the current leader of the opposition two times removed retracted the complaint as being obviously untrue but nobody actually noticed. Or he was thrown out of the Labour Party. No-one is quite sure and the government has called for an independent inquiry to ascertain whether the leader of the opposition preceding the current one several times or so removed had his or her retraction of the complaint of the leader of the opposition maybe two or three times removed preceding him or her fairly or not. 'This should be resolved before any other independent inquiry is continued,' suggested the government.


The plethora of independent inquiries into independent inquiries is having a knock-on effect into independent inquiries into Grenfell, Partygate, Monegate, Kwarting-gate, Zahawigate, BBCgate and anything else the current government has touched, passed, imprisoned, monetised or screwed up. 'Until the independent inquiry into independent inquiries is completed we can't possibly resolve the other issues, nor can we answer any questions regarding those topics until the relevant independent inquiries are resolved,' said a government spokesman, agreeing that the situation is incredibly unfair and that an independent inquiry should be set up into it 'as soon as this one is concluded but before the other ones are resumed,' he suggested.




Sharp blames BBC for dropping the Money Programme


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Richard Sharp, Chairman of the BBC, has admitted that he had dinner with Boris Johnson and Sam Blythe, who went on to underwrite a £800,000 loan to Mr Johnson. A BBC spokesman says it is unfair that the press are accusing him of facilitating a deal for the then Prime Minister, when all he did was have some dinner and introduced a very rich man to a man who needed some cash, pronto. 'The fact that Mr Sharp was then appointed as BBC chair shortly after, at the recomendation of Mr Johnson, is purely co-incidental,' the spokesman added.


He added that if the BBC hadn't dropped the Money Programme in 2010 then he wouldn't have needed to meet up with rich people to secure a loan. The spokesman said that while there are some websites that provide independent advice, and Martin Lewis seems to know a thing or two, Mr Johnson wouldn't have needed the help from the man who subsequently became Chair of the BBC.


The BBC maintain the relationship between Mr Sharp, Mr Johnson and Mr Blyth around the time of Mr Sharp's appointment is 'not causal', despite the rumour that Valerie Singleton was being lined up for the job until the then Prime Minister learned her programme had finished.




Zahawi currently leading in the ‘Who Can Be the Most Tory’ challenge


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Nadhim Zahawi has taken a surprise overnight lead in ‘Who Can Be the Most Tory’, an unofficial challenge set to all 354 serving MPs by leader Rishi Sunak, who currently sits in second place.


The Stratford-upon-Avon MP, who served as Chancellor for 14 minutes, pipped ahead of Sunak last night following revelations he’s been avoiding millions of pounds in tax. “Tax avoidance to this degree is worth 20 points in the Tory league table”, clarified a Conservative Party spokesman earlier. “He got 5 bonus points for avoiding tax whilst telling poor people to tighten their belts. That’s some serious Torying right there, he deserved them”, he added.


When approached for comment on his tax affairs, Zahawi said: “I am innocent and have done absolutely nothing wrong”, a statement which earned him an additional 10 Tory points, extending his lead further.


Sunak, who despite some great work chartering a luxury jet to pick up a private prescription for an antibiotic normal people can’t find, currently sits in second. “I need to pull some serious Tory Twattery out of the bag if I’m going to catch Nadhim, he’s on fire”, admitted the PM.


“I may rewrite the road safety laws to avoid paying that £60 seatbelt fine I got last week, that’s worth at least 50 points, surely?” he added


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