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‘Conspiracy theorists don’t understand our capacity for cockups’, says Gov’t spokesman


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A spokesman for His Majesty’s Government has confirmed that most of the shenanigans blighting the news are genuine cockups rather than any masterful conspiracy by the illuminati.


“We do have conspiracies”, he said. “But they’re pretty mundane really – leak budget details to our pals so they can short the pound, wreck the NHS so our pals can privatise it, install Worzel Gummidge’s sister in No 10 so we can Bring Back Boris - that sort of thing. The rest of it is genuine accidents.


“We had no idea that the mini-budget would be quite so devastating because we didn’t ask anybody first. We honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about foodbanks – they seem like really nice places to visit, if you like that sort of thing. All the people bleating about their mortgages should sell a couple of their rentals if they’re running low on funds”.


When asked about claims that Russian money had penetrated the Conservative Party, the spokesman looked evasive before issuing a firm “Nyet”. So that’s all right then.



Boris 2.0 – ‘too much integrity’ to be PM


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In previous reports we may have given the impression that Boris 2.0 was a shoo-in for Prime Minister. We now realise that his integrity and all-round decency wouldn’t allow him to be become Prime Minister at a time when the Privileges Committee might suspend him. He only cut short his third holiday in three months to bundle his family on a cattle-class flight home just to confirm he wasn't standing.


NewsBiscuit has seen the list of Boris’s 102 supporters and we can confirm that they were genuine and not fabricated. We were particularly pleased to see British icons such as Harry Potter, Great Uncle Bulgaria and Fireman Sam showing their support.


Boris 2.0 will now demonstrate his integrity by going on lots of holidays, attempting to knock off a couple of barmaids at each resort and accepting lots of Russian money.


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