'What I did on my holibobs' by Boris Johnson

Criticised for going on holiday at a time of national crisis, Boris Johnson has been compiling a dodgy dossier of his achievements, written in Comic Sans, leaked excerpts below:

'Apparently there's a cost of living crisis. Not for me! Well, there is a cost to everyone else if I go on living. I floated past the free bar on my lilo and I saw Michael Gove bobbing round on an inflatable pink flamingo with a pina colada whilst wearing breathtakingly small trunks. I took his knife from my back, slashed his inflatable and said "Hasta la vista baby" as he sank.'

'I got to fly a fighter plane. I made all the noises myself like 'nyaum' and 'Gerry's on our six' and 'pew pew, pew pew pew'. One of the other chaps told me not to be such a tango whisky alpha tango. I said "Them's the breaks".'

'People say I'm so tired from my last holiday, I need another holiday? Well I bloody did it. Living the dream baby. Peace out.'

New statute celebrating Brexit to be commissioned

Jacob Rees-Mogg todays announces that to celebrate the successes the UK is experiencing due to Brexit a new statue is to be commissioned.

Plans are underway to get the UKs leading artists to put together their proposals - provisionally the work will be entitled “We have fun, but we get things (Brexit) done” - and is to feature a smiling Boris Johnson raising a drink to the nation'.

'It'll be very similar to some of the images we have recently seen in Sue Gray’s fictional historical romp', continued Rees Mogg.

The statue will include a hat made entirely of bank notes, to symbolis the £350 million a week savings that the British people are able to enjoy as a result of Brexit. In addition there will be a 'Brexit flap' in the rear of his trousers so that his bare backside can be displayed at Europe on the hour, every hour, like a mooning cuckoo clock.