Downing Street parties now dominant strand of Johnson incompetence

Revelations of Downing Street parties during from the pandemic are growing exponentially, and are now the dominant strand of Boris Johnson incompetence, it has been revealed

'Earlier strands of incompetence from Johnson were quite virulent, for sure', noted one leading epidemiologist today. 'His newspaper writing for the Telegraph and Spectator are particularly toxic. And his general buffoonery has certainly transmitted widely in the community, and is probably best now seen as endemic.'

'But this latest strand is spreading like wildfire. It seems to be incubated particularly well by close bystanders to Johnson, but once airborne, it is taking hold just by standing close to a TV, or scrolling through your Twitter feed.'

The R number for reports of illegal gatherings at Number 10 during lockdown is now at 4.9, meaning for every party reported in the press, Dominic Cummings is frantically blogging away about 5 more.

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Chinese Spy Ring infiltrated by useless MPs

The UK government had been forced to deny the charge, that Beijing espionage has been disrupted by Barry Gardiner completely failing to influence events or wield any kind of power.

A Beijing spokeswoman said: ‘It soon became apparent that not one of these idiot MPs knew any secrets worth a damn. We’ve squandered millions in bribes, only to discover that your average UK politician has all the pull of a toddler on a tug of war team’.

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Johnson says he didn't realise parties were work

Boris Johnson's office has clarified that the reason he only stayed at the Downing Street 'work meeting' for 25 minutes was that he didn't realise that he worked there. In fact, according to a statement released exclusively to his most trusted media organisation (NewsBiscuit), he has only recently become aware that he is the Prime Minister of the UK.

"I may have spent some time in Downing St, but I thought I was at a party, and so I take no responsibility for our tragically chaotic on-off covid response and anything else that may have happened in the last 2 years" says the letter. "I suppose, looking back, it was a very long-running party, and I did wonder why people kept going on about politics - i mean, 'what should we do about Europe?' f@*ked if I know, or care. Yes, and there was this little scruffy prep school bod who seemed to be angry all the time. But all in all it was rather agreeable: for two years the fizz kept flowing and the female company was charming, so, mine not to reason why, I thought. Oh, hello Carrie!"

The statement has caused a constitutional crisis, with some experts claiming this means everything Johnson's government has done is illegal, instead of only 90% of their actions being criminal as everyone previously thought.

While the statement was initially expected to lead to his departure from the job he didn't realise he was supposed to be doing, MPs, party members and citizens at large are in fact calling on him to stay in post after hearing that the concluding part of the statement reads "I now realise it was a all a bit of a cock-up, as Suetonius put it, and I suppose I should go now. So I'll just leave Jacob and Ravey Govey in charge, eh?".

Image: Pixabay/geralt