Missing Crytoqueen may have changed her appearance to be like Carrie Symonds

Missing since 2017, around the time that Boris Johnson was made Foreign Secretary in the hope that Theresa May could get him as far away from parliament as practically possible, the FBI has taken a particular interest in his travels in the former Soviet Union and in particular how the disappearance of Ruja Ignatova happened to coincide with the appearance of yet another new mistress in the life of an inherently fallible politician.

Once upon a time, lipstick on your collar might have told a tale on you, but modern forensic science is able to not only tell which lipstick was on your dipstick, but tell from the lip prints who was wearing it.

NewsBiscuit is not at liberty to say more at this time, but we remind our readers that softly softly catchee monkey, and the chances of getting the fat bastard locked up in the short term may be better if the FBI handle it rather than rely on House of Commons procedures.

*UPDATE*

At the same moment our reporter posted this, NewsBiscuit received an email from a child who claims to be the lovechild of Boris Johnson and Ruja Ignatova, and on reading the news that Ruja Ignatova changed her appearance to look more like Carrie Symonds, wants to know if there's any chance of being a special case of a child getting fed under the current administration.

Select Committee asks Johnson to step down after obscure 18th-century parliamentary rule emerges

For the second time in a week, conservative MPs have fallen foul of hitherto obscure rules.

Hot on the heels of Matt Hancock's reversal of fortunes with his UN job comes news that Boris Johnson is understood to be considering his position after receiving a letter from a Commons select committee. The letter brought to his attention a recently unearthed 250-year-old parliamentary rule precluding him from carrying out the role of Prime Minister.

The committee's chair told Andrew Marr. 'It's all very unfortunate for Boris, but the little-known rule, drafted in 1774 and never suspended, clearly states that incompetents, philandering chumps and feckless dolts cannot be considered for the job.

'As Mr Johnson passes the litmus test for all three, we have asked him to step down immediately. Therefore, under the rule, he is unfit to hold the office of First Lord of the Treasury.'

However, it seems the PM is not ready to walk just yet. A spokesman for No. 10 said: 'Look, Boris has handed this over to Carrie to sort out as he can't be diverted from his purpose at such a critical time in the nation's welfare.

'To those ends alone, this week, he is already booked for five gala dinners and a Tory fundraiser. All of this before he's then off on a gruelling two-week fact-finding mission in Mustique. Great Britain simply cannot afford to lose his inestimable insight and knowhow in these vital affairs of state.'

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Prince Harry publishing memoirs, in case we've forgotten about his stuff

After releasing a string of interviews, documentaries and filmed psychotherapy sessions about himself over the past year, Prince Harry has announced he will shortly be publishing his memoirs, entitled "Flogging A Dead Horse".

"The book will tell the public, for the tenth time over, how I went from being a confused, mixed-up kid to finding true purpose and happiness in my life, thanks to Meghan," said Harry at a press conference in Montecito as he cast terrified glances at his wife.

"I realise this takes quite a bit of explaining," he continued, "because up until a few years ago I was a happy, outgoing young guy and many people's favourite royal whereas now I am a miserable, self-obsessed shadow of my former self who is seemingly eaten up by anger and resentment. That all goes to show you the benefits of top-dollar psychotherapy, and having the love of a woman like Meghan."

Prince Harry is not the only man in the news to be writing his memoirs. Dominic Cummings will shortly be releasing an autobiography called "Flogging A Dead Boris" in which he tells us, for the tenth time over, that the prime minister is a vacuous, dead-brained puppet and that Carrie had no right to stop him pulling the strings.