‘No room for you but your cats and dogs would be welcome’ Johnson tells refugees

Boris Johnson has told Ukranian refugees that, unfortunately there is no room for them here in the UK but their cats and dogs would be most welcome to come and stay.

The PM is alleged to have said that we are a nation of animal lovers and their pets would be loved and well looked after. And of course, they don’t need a visa or a sponsor. The animals could be vetted and processed within hours of arriving here in the UK and would find a new home within days.

A private charter flight is taxiing on the tarmac at Heathrow Airport waiting for the go-ahead from the main decision maker in No10. Boris Johnson is thought to have had some input behind the animal-rescue idea too.

‘Ukranian cats and dogs will no longer have to cower in underground car parks or run for their lives from Russian snipers. They will be safe here in the UK’ , the PM is thought to have said. 'There is no need for the Ukrainian people to thank us for our generosity….it is the least we can do.

'We are world-beaters at housing animals from war torn countries. No other country has done as much as the UK to help Ukranian animals flee the war. Ukrainians can sleep peacefully in their beds knowing their pets will be safe from Russian bombs here in the UK. For now at least.

'One day we might even be able to take in some actual pet owners. But you know how it is.

Paperwork, background checks, visa applications, processing etc…..

We would love to help Ukranian people find safety but as you can see, it’s just not that simple’.

Image: Pixabay/blende12

Woman pretending to like podcasts lives in fear of being asked about them

Liz Morris, an avocado-loving millennial from Doncaster, is neither hip, nor cool; due to the fact that she absolutely despises podcasts. ‘The trouble is,’ said the 32 year-old, ‘Podcasts form the basis of 89% of office conversation. The other 11% is taken up by photos of Barry from accounts’ 5 adopted cats.’

Despite being a woman, whose womb is primed and ready to receive the maternal hot takes of broadcasting mummy bloggers, podcasts really aren’t her thing. ‘It started harmlessly enough with me nodding enthusiastically to others,’ says Liz.

‘But now, when I go jogging, I’ve got my earphones in and I laugh occasionally to look like my life is being enriched by the self-aggrandisement of a comedian with a mic in their bedroom, when really I’m listening to sweet, sweet nothing.’

‘I’ve also built an Anderson shelter in my garden and filled it with enough supplies to last me 10 years. I’ve let the neighbours assume I’m preparing for Brexit, but really it’s for the inevitable day when I get found out by someone asking me what my favourite episode of My Dad Wrote a Porno is.’

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