Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

The news about the cancellation of dark chocolate Toblerone has been seized upon by media outlets, who are exhausted by a long run of bad news stories about Trump, Gaza, Ukraine, Tariffs, Climate Change, AI threats and Inflation-Recession-Stagflation-Cost-of-Living.

And just in time for Easter, too! How fortunate.

The Krafty Americans, temporarily rebadged as the meaningless Mondeleeez, know how to get good press. After all, they have only cancelled the 360g dark chocolate bar. You’ll still be able to get the ordinary ones, orange ones, caramel ones, white ones, peanut ones and coca-cola flavoured ones. They will still be clogging up airport shops all over the world. And you’ll still be able to get dark chocolate Toblerones in other sizes, including the tiny little ones. You know, the ones that used to be 100g, but are now down to around 60g after removing a few peaks.

You can bet there wouldn’t have been as much coverage if the 360g bar had been cancelled and replaced with a 330g bar.

Yes, decent news stories about anything nice, like chocolate, ice-cream or sunbeams, are in short supply. And the media does often suffer a dip in advertising at Easter. So running a non-threatening news story about a chocolate bar to give Mondeleeez some free publicity seems fair enough.

Other cosy news stories coming soon: 'Creme Eggs to have added vitamins', 'Peace in Ukraine after exchange of Chocolate Oranges' and 'Scunthorpe plant to start making Irn-Bru'.

image from pixabay

US trade deal will require UK to accept horrible American food

The Government is edging closer to a trade deal with the US. The UK has accepted, in principle, that it will have to receive imports of various disgusting American food items.  It has also accepted that many UK citizens will probably ‘snarf them down’ like proper Yanks, with all that means for their health and hospital waiting lists.

One area of heated discussion has been soft drinks.  The US has insisted that the UK accepts a tenfold increase in imports of Dr Pepper, a disgustingly flavoured soft drink with no apparent merits whatsoever. The UK has said that it could accept this if the US, in return, accepts consignments of Irn-Bru and Vimto.   A stand-off over imports of Mountain Dew was resolved once the US team explained that it was spelt with a D, not a J.

Another difficult area has been chocolate.  The US is refusing to accept imports of Cadbury’s chocolate, which is made in Poland by an American company, on the grounds that it ‘tastes disgusting’.  The UK is refusing to accept imports of Hershey’s chocolate for exactly the same reason.  The US team was briefly interested in buying Creme Eggs, until they worked out that they were not an acceptable substitute for (increasingly scarce and expensive) hens eggs.

The US is also keen to send millions of American snack cakes to the UK – Twinkies and the like.   The UK is suspicious of any so-called food item that contains unnaturally white sludge in the middle, which raises concerns that they might have been chlorine washed, or irradiated.  And also any foods consisting entirely of glucose/fructose corn syrup and E numbers.   The UK is considering if exporting Mr Kipling’s exceedingly stodgy cakes to the US would be a suitable countermeasure.

However, all differences are expected to be settled soon, and the UK seems likely to accept whatever horrible food that the US can come up with.  This is because the UK government cannot be seen to influence what people eat, as this will be seen as the nanny state gone mad.  UK citizens have freedom of speech and the freedom to ruin their health with bad food choices.   Why else would we have the NHS?

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

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