Assisted Dying: A handy guide

Now that the Bill on assisted dying has passed in the House of Commons, and is likely to become law, here is our handy guide to the act and its ramifications:

The legislation is only for terminal illness. No longer having a 28-inch waist does not count as this.

You must have fewer than six months to live. Despite being insufferable, and death feeling like a better option, a cooked breakfast and two paracetamol will help you get over a hangover.

Your assisted death requires signoff by two doctors. This means medical doctors. Your friend's PhD in history is only impressive when you're watching University Challenge, so save it for then.

These doctors take cases one at a time - so you won't get a two-for-one deal. Also note that the doctors aren't usually allowed to work on commission.

You're case will be subject to review by a social worker, so expect around a six-month wait followed by a perfunctory signoff because they're too busy to do any proper work.

You must persuade a senior legal figure of your right to die, so now is the best time to get your affairs - and golf swing - in order.

You cannot choose the way you die, so firing squad and walking the plank are not feasible options. Neither is death by orgasm from the celebrity of your choice; and definitely not her, as she's been dead for twenty years. However, if you go private, you can be shot by a jealous husband on the birthday of your choice.

Women, death by chocolate is available, but in true 'wishes from a Genie' style, this will involve having a pallet of Dairy Milk dropped on you from a great height. Or, if you go private, Lindt.

Due to this being the NHS, Customers are requested to avoid using our services at peak times for assisted dying, e.g. during one of Starmer's televised speeches, when millions of people across the country lose the will to live and jam the phone lines.

Should the service be unavailable, Patients are instead advised to use the replacement stepping under a bus service. However, bus services can be irregular, so there may be extended waiting times, and also the danger of being run over twice in quick succession.

Original Author: jamesdoc   

With contributions from: deskpilot, Titus, lockjaw, sydalg, rowly

Image credit: Deep dream generator

Media desperately grateful for Toblerone story

The news about the cancellation of dark chocolate Toblerone has been seized upon by media outlets, who are exhausted by a long run of bad news stories about Trump, Gaza, Ukraine, Tariffs, Climate Change, AI threats and Inflation-Recession-Stagflation-Cost-of-Living.

And just in time for Easter, too! How fortunate.

The Krafty Americans, temporarily rebadged as the meaningless Mondeleeez, know how to get good press. After all, they have only cancelled the 360g dark chocolate bar. You’ll still be able to get the ordinary ones, orange ones, caramel ones, white ones, peanut ones and coca-cola flavoured ones. They will still be clogging up airport shops all over the world. And you’ll still be able to get dark chocolate Toblerones in other sizes, including the tiny little ones. You know, the ones that used to be 100g, but are now down to around 60g after removing a few peaks.

You can bet there wouldn’t have been as much coverage if the 360g bar had been cancelled and replaced with a 330g bar.

Yes, decent news stories about anything nice, like chocolate, ice-cream or sunbeams, are in short supply. And the media does often suffer a dip in advertising at Easter. So running a non-threatening news story about a chocolate bar to give Mondeleeez some free publicity seems fair enough.

Other cosy news stories coming soon: 'Creme Eggs to have added vitamins', 'Peace in Ukraine after exchange of Chocolate Oranges' and 'Scunthorpe plant to start making Irn-Bru'.

image from pixabay

US trade deal will require UK to accept horrible American food

The Government is edging closer to a trade deal with the US. The UK has accepted, in principle, that it will have to receive imports of various disgusting American food items.  It has also accepted that many UK citizens will probably ‘snarf them down’ like proper Yanks, with all that means for their health and hospital waiting lists.

One area of heated discussion has been soft drinks.  The US has insisted that the UK accepts a tenfold increase in imports of Dr Pepper, a disgustingly flavoured soft drink with no apparent merits whatsoever. The UK has said that it could accept this if the US, in return, accepts consignments of Irn-Bru and Vimto.   A stand-off over imports of Mountain Dew was resolved once the US team explained that it was spelt with a D, not a J.

Another difficult area has been chocolate.  The US is refusing to accept imports of Cadbury’s chocolate, which is made in Poland by an American company, on the grounds that it ‘tastes disgusting’.  The UK is refusing to accept imports of Hershey’s chocolate for exactly the same reason.  The US team was briefly interested in buying Creme Eggs, until they worked out that they were not an acceptable substitute for (increasingly scarce and expensive) hens eggs.

The US is also keen to send millions of American snack cakes to the UK – Twinkies and the like.   The UK is suspicious of any so-called food item that contains unnaturally white sludge in the middle, which raises concerns that they might have been chlorine washed, or irradiated.  And also any foods consisting entirely of glucose/fructose corn syrup and E numbers.   The UK is considering if exporting Mr Kipling’s exceedingly stodgy cakes to the US would be a suitable countermeasure.

However, all differences are expected to be settled soon, and the UK seems likely to accept whatever horrible food that the US can come up with.  This is because the UK government cannot be seen to influence what people eat, as this will be seen as the nanny state gone mad.  UK citizens have freedom of speech and the freedom to ruin their health with bad food choices.   Why else would we have the NHS?

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay