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'Why can't we re-name our planets?' asks Isle of Wight man

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'If chocolate bars like Marathon can be re-named, why can't planets?' asked Martin Ambleside from Shanklin, during a book signing by TV's mega astronomer Professor Brian Cox.


'We've got Mars, which is fine. So why can't we have Crunchie, Picnic, Topic, Yorkie, Caramac and Aero in place of Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune?' suggested Mr. Ambleside amid laughter form people in the queue.


The question seemed to take the ever-smiling super stargazer by surprise momentarily before he quipped, 'Hmm... good idea, but change like that Twix time, and anyway, don't we already have the Milky Bar?'




First published 10 April 2023


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US Forces seize Easter Bunny



Donald Trump has announced that US Forces have captured the Easter Bunny at an unknown location and transported him to New York, for trial.


The Easter Bunny stands accused of un-American acts. These acts include 

  • Going against government initiatives to Make America Healthy Again and are related to the unauthorised and unregulated distribution of foodstuffs, notably chocolate

  • Promotion of food products containing ingredients not grown in America, including cocoa

  • Unauthorised dumping of foodstuff and other detritus in a public place, relating to the wanton abandonment of foil wrapped eggs in parks, gardens and municipal property


The President has said that the operation against the Easter Bunny and his evil regime was a total, massive, huge success and that Americans have been saved from the expensive, subversive and unhealthy influence of a vast organised criminal conspiracy.


US Forces are also reported to be seizing Easter Eggs and other chocolate goods from stores. These will, apparently, be ‘put beyond use’. This will happen swiftly, and no trace of the contraband chocolate goods will remain after Easter Sunday.


The President has criticised neighbouring countries, allies, enemies, Europeans and penguins on the Marshall Islands for not supporting the US action. He said that everyone ‘talked a good story about taking out the Easter Bunny’, but when it came to the crunch, they had all melted away.


image by grok

Mutiny over the Bounties - Man 'bewildered' by absence of treats


A Warrington man has described his sense of bafflement on discovering a complete dearth of chocolate oranges, mince pies, alcoholic drinks and confectionery.


'I went to the usual place', he told reporters 'but there were just a couple of little Bounties. I don't like them. Nobody does. I think they only include them as a desperation test'.


Scientists have described the state of his cupboards as 'normal' and suggested something called 'normality' - an interesting concept but unlikely to catch on.


Search engines have reported millions of queries of 'How long till next Christmas?' alongside questions about career moves and offers to swap little Bounties for something edible.


The next Bank Holiday is expected in around 40 years' time.


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