

Musician Noddy Holder, who currently lives in Cheshire, wakes his wife on the 25th of December every year by announcing, “IT’S CHRIIIISTMAAAAAS!!!” at the top of his voice. Unfortunately, police receive an annual complaint about the noise – from a man in Derbyshire.
The complainant, a Mr Roy Wood told us, “It’s bad enough having to listen to Slade’s cheesy Christmas song everywhere I go all through December each year, but being woken up by Noddy Holder shouting every Christmas morning is too much to bear! I live about 60 miles away from him, so that gives you some idea of how loud it is!”
With a sigh, Mr Wood continued, “I had a Christmas hit myself once you know, but I don’t go around shouting about it. My song should have made it to number 1, but sadly it was beaten to the top spot by some novelty record. Oh, was it Slade? I really don’t remember. It’s not like I’m not bitter about it, or anything. Anyway, as for Noddy and his shouting, well I’m just glad it isn’t Christmas every day!”
Noddy Holder is reported to receive over £500,000 in royalties from his 1970s Christmas hit each year. We tried to speak to him about Mr Wood’s complaint of excessive noise, but he was unavailable for comment, as he was busy laughing all the way to the bank.
Image Didgeman - Pixabay
The BBC has announced that they fully expect up to four people will watch the King's Speech this year, two up on last Christmas. 'It's a fine use of taxpayers' money,' claimed a spokesperson. The money spent on recording and broadcasting the speech is thought to be less than a sausage finger's worth of a Royal statue, the cost of which has increased dramatically in recent years.
'We will repeat it several times and will naturally fill the news bulletins with the highlights, for the sixty million or so people too disinterested or, frankly, pissed to watch' said the spokesman.
The King's Speech will be broadcast on BBC1, ITV and, for smug bastards with money to waste, on Sky at 3pm if anyone wants a reason to pop down the shed, open another bottle of brown ale or extricate themselves away from building a Millennium Falcon in Lego in front of the telly, especially when they realise seven critical pieces were lost to the Hoover at the ten am emergency vacuum of the living room.
For balance, the BBC has pointed out there is other shit on the other channels. Or you could just resume the family argument.
Image: Pexels - Pixabay