Christmas cracker jokes - the rejects

Although Christmas cracker jokes are always bad, so that we can all enjoy a good Christmas groan, there are some jokes that are even worse.   We broke into a cracker factory late one night, and we found the following rejected cracker jokes in the bin…

Q. Why didn't Mary and Joseph exercise at Christmas?

A. Because there was no room at the gym

Q. What did the sleigh say to the reindeer?

A. You've pulled

Q: Why does Santa wear baggy trousers?

A: He has a big sack

Q. What's a robin's favourite hat?

A. Robin Hood

Q. Why is Santa dangerous?

A. Because he's got a black belt

Q. What's the best name for a burglar?

A. Robbie

Q. What's the best name for a dragon?

A. Bernie

Q. Where do you put a ninety-year-old prime minister?

A. In a Keir home

Q. What song do sheep most like to hear at Christmas?

A. Fleece Navidad….or….Fleece a jolly good fellow!

Hat-tip lockjaw for his fine contributions

Image: Pixabay/2taol

Porn in woods during 70s was put there by Santa

Younger readers will not realise that pre-Internet the only way to access pornography was to put on your wellies and get on your hands and knees. Ironically being on your hands and knees in wellies, is now a profitable OnlyFans genre. Your hope, as you navigated a local copse, was that some kindly pervert had left discarded pages. The erotic equivalent of a food bank, or a 'wank bank', if you will.

Quite why someone who had purchased a magazine felt the need to tear out pages, remained a mystery. It was if the reader could not grasp the concept of re-readability or a bin. Now, however, Santa has confessed it was him: 'January to November is a quiet time for me, so I thought - what other kinds of gifts could I distribute, to put a smile on children's faces. I say children, it was very specifically boys aged 13 to 16.

'I had in the infrastructure in place to magically be in all woods at once. I didn't even need a naughty and nice list, we knew all the boys were on the naughty list - and didn't give a shit. Your average teenager doesn't wamt to hear Ho Ho Ho, he wants to see her. He wants to come down her chimney and empty his sack. Magically covering his bed room in a white and sticky Christmas residue.

'Be honest, you always assumed it was an old man leaving pages, well you were right. And it couldn't have been the Tooth Fairy, when not collecting teeth, he takes all the used socks that the boys have soiled. It was either him or your Mum, and I think we both agree, to save embarrassment, we would rather believe in the Tooth Fairy.'

Image: Pixabay/jplenio

Thousands claim 'Christmas Miracle' cure of tinnitus

People all over the country have claimed that they were all cured of tinnitus simultaneously, on December 26th, the day after Christmas. The ringing sounds they had been suffering for several weeks had all vanishied, as if by some 'Christmas Miracle' cure. However, doctors have been quick to point out the more likely cause is the lack of Christmas music now being played on Radio, TV and in shops, all with the addition of sleigh bells.

They have gone on to warn people that the 'banging headaches' they are likely to suffer over the next week or so are almost certain to be caused by the indiscriminate detonation of fireworks by people in their back gardens to celebrate Midnight on News Year's Eve. Many of these people seem to lack basic calendars, or the ability to tell the time. (This problem is also witnessed around Guy Fawkes Night, and Halloween).

People have also been told not to worry about strange colourful blobs appearing before their eyes whenever they go shopping. This phenomenon is simply explained by supermarkets over stocking their shelves with Easter Eggs months in advance.

Image: Pixabay/jplenio