Cabinet Sauvignon as COBRA declares BYOB

Boris Johnson recently attended a COBRA meeting that resolved where cabinet meetings fall on the party/work meeting spectrum. With a nation waiting expectantly, COBRA has apparently moved these meetings into the BYOB category, as they are 50% student house party and 50% social night at the bowls club.

To celebrate, Prime Minister Boris Johnson reached under his chair and pulled out a plastic bag containing a 24 pack of own-brand supermarket lager. However, controversy may be brewing as reports suggest he was 5 or 6 cans deep before the judgement was official. Jacob Rees Mogg brought a bottle of Tia Maria – swiped from nanny’s cabinet – and hoped no one would notice. Liz Truss brought some shoplifted Estonian vodka and some pork scratchings from some pork markets. Michael Gove brought a crate of alcopops. Dominic Raab talked about his homebrew for so long no one could remember asking him about it. Priti Patel only had time to pick up a bottle from home – the ‘tears of her enemies’ December 2021 vintage.

Publican Tara Taylor said, ‘No lockdown means I can’t get compensation, and everyone else has cancelled. I’d love to channel Barbara Windsor and tell all these Tories to get outta my pub, but in reality, I need them in my pub.’

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Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

'You couldn't bloody make it up, could you?' shouted Sir Dudley Farquhar the long-standing member for Dungeness West since 1867.

'It was all jolly straightforward. We had the brewery booked, which, by the way, was a dashed decent venue. The white burgundy order was delivered on time and dear Priti laid on a troupe of recently evacuated Afghan dancing women. We had Michelin star catering, with canapés and rare Ormskirk truffles.

'Then, of course, Captain Chaos gets involved, and everything goes to hell in a hand cart. The silly arse forgot to send out the invitations. For any self-respecting Tory, missing out on a piss-up is a crime against humanity. To my mind, he's too easily distracted by the interfering covid boffin Johnnies. He needs to get his priorities right. I've already sent my letter of no confidence in the bungling idiot to the higher echelons of the influential 1622 committee.

'Frankly, I can't remember such a useless politician since a chap called Boris Johnson wished the Taliban a merry Christmas when he was Foreign Secretary.'

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Could lockdown ruin moment in the sun for reserve crockery?

Plates and glasses that would never normally see the light of day – even your Faliraki 2009 plastic tankard – are gearing up for their annual moment in the sun. But since Boris Johnson promised to save Christmas, everyone assumes it will be as ruined as last year when an undercooked turkey turned your bathroom into a biohazard.

The Festive period carries great risk as well as great reward for your spare spoons, however. When people rummage through drawers for a spare container for cranberry sauce, they may discover other items they no longer need, like a bread maker, the dystopian spectre of bourgeois consumerism, extra egg cups or the military-industrial complex.

Amy Armstrong said, ‘I didn’t know we had a spare ladle. Bin it, we’ll get another one in the sales.’

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