A level grades to be replaced with assessment of wealth and colour of skin

Following the success of the teacher awarded grades for A levels this year, the government has decided to formalise the process and ditch exams completely.

'Exams have their place,' admitted one Minister today, 'but sometimes poor people pass them, and not only white poor people too. Not that we want to hold back talented, intelligent poor people, regardless of skin colour, but McDonald's needs competent managers and universities need white, upper-class students.'

A UCAS spokesperson confirmed that under the new scheme, there would still be places for ordinary students regardless of background, income or colour. Just not the best ones.