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From Lanarkshire to Cornwall, farmers started Jerk Off The Commuter season this week with the customary words: "Seth, get that tractor out and drive it up and down the main road very slowly to make sure all them commuters miss their trains."
Numerous office workers travelling to London Waterloo from Andover in Hampshire reported missing their train every day of the week since Monday, because a tractor towing ridiculously bulky equipment drove down the road towards the station at a slug's pace for over seven miles.
"I think they do it on purpose, the vicious gits," said a newbie commuter who was unfamiliar with the farmers' traditional summertime festivities.
"I am absolutely sure they don't need to be transporting huge barrels of water, or harrows and hay bales at 5.50am, when I am trying to fight my way into work in central London for 7.30."
"There are always some sourpusses who get upset with our fun and games," said a smirking farmer who just bought a huge and impassable combine harvester, funded by the taxpayer, which he will be using to hold up rush hour traffic throughout July and August.
"However," he continued, "most of them take our pranks in the spirit in which they're meant - a deeply spiteful, malevolent spirit, that is."
"Thanks to Seth the super-slow tractor driver and his boss, I just got sacked for repeated lateness," said one commuter, clutching a tear-stained P45. "I hate them and I will never eat their food again."
"Here in Hampshire," said Seth's sniggering boss, "we say it's a good Jerk Off The Commuter season if we get 40 a month sacked for being perpetually late, and another 200 admitted to hospital for nervous breakdowns, stomach ulcers and whatever else these townies fall ill with from being so stressed out.
"They should slow down to our speed - that's what I say. Just enjoy floating down the stream of life, like us, on a bed of outrageously generous government subsidies."
A recent Crowdscience episode about migratory animals has helped a woman who commuted daily from Birmingham to London and back again understand why she did the commute.
"It was obviously natural instinct kicking in and there was nothing I could have done about it, even though I hated commuting." she told our reporter. "They said on the wireless how exhausted migratory animals get on their travels, and to be honest, I felt the same on the occasions I fell asleep on the train and ended up in Crewe.
"All the messing about waiting for a train that would take me somewhere sensible and work out how to get a ticket from a machine after the ticket office was unmanned would take hours, so I would just get one back to London, or be late for work the next day."
We asked the commuter, who preferred us to withhold her name how she came to hear the programme when it was broadcast, at it will have coincided with her train journey. "Thankfully I've reached retirement age," she replied. "So I got the chance to hear it. "If those scientists who study migratory stuff had any compassion, they'd work out a way to let birds and wildebeest hear it too, so they'd think about retiring as well."
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