

King Charles has ordered that the vehicle have all the mod cons required to keep the riff raff away. The head coachman confirmed: 'The wheels will have rotating blades, there will be concealed flamethrowers and an ejector seat should the plebs get too close.'
The original gold-plated carriage was intended as a big f$ck you to all those prols who could not afford shoes but more recent coaches have had to fend off the unwashed hordes with electrified door handles. The 1.3 mile journey down The Mall now resembles a scene from Mad Max, with the monarch hurling grenades at his ravenous subjects.
'Built like a Sherman tank, it has more gadgets than OO7. We've even given it an extra springy suspension, for when the King rolls over the crowds. It'll be less like a coronation but more like a Royal Rumble.'
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/
The palace has conformed songs from the illustrious career of Andrew Lloyd Fibber will feature at the King's coronation. It is believed the crowning and anointment with oil will be accompanied by the song ‘Don’t Massage me Marge and Tina’, a smash hit for Fibber in 1976. Here is a full list of musicals that will feature, as played by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra in Westminster Abbey.
Andrew and his Amazing Technicolor Alibi (1968)
The hit musical that launched his career, featuring such classic hits as ‘Any Excuse Will Do’.
Jesus Christ Super-injunction (1970)
Not much we can say about that one.
Cats (1981)
In which the lead singer forgets the words to that timeless bittersweet ballad ‘Memory’.
Pizza Express (1984)
A roller-skating spectacular. The audience watch with bated breath, waiting for members of a stellar cast to fall flat on their faces
The Phantom of the Night Club (1986)
Performers stand around, not doing very much and insisting they weren’t sure why they turned up in the first place because nightclubs aren’t really their thing. Features the hit song ‘Nosweat Boulevard’.
School of York (2015)
An ageing rocker is thrown out of his band but lands a job teaching kids. The show closed following complaints.
Sarah Brightman and Paul Chuckle have been booked to sing alongside the King in outlandish sequin costumes. Tickets are available online or from a booth in Leicester Square. Andrew Lloyd Fibber musicals may contain flashing images.