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Boris Johnson publishes price list for describing what the UK is not

Updated: Nov 29, 2021


The prime minister’s office has announced that from tomorrow he will publicly state the sentence “Britain is not a ______ country”, any time, for a fee.


The fee will depend on what word or phrase is selected to fill in the blank. The options are:


“French” - 20 pounds

“wobbly” - 25 pounds

“real” - 30 pounds

“square” - 40 pounds

“Welsh” - 50 pounds

“sausage shaped” - 100 pounds

“hairy” - 250 pounds

“very good” - 500 pounds

“disease ridden” 750 pounds

“cheese filled” - 1000 pounds

“Boaty McBoatface” - 2000 pounds

(Just use the blank) - 5000 pounds

“shits n' giggles”- 50,000 pounds

“corrupt” - 100,000 pounds


Image: Pixabay/MAKY_OREL


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JobsForTheBoys.com - the number 1 platform for MPs looking for a second job

Updated: Nov 27, 2021


Are you an impoverished Tory MP looking to top up your measly £82,000 annual salary?


Frustrated by the lack of opportunities to offer your expert insight on the gambling, tobacco and health sectors to companies in the...er...gambling, tobacco and health sectors?


Are you able to suggest a daily consultancy rate of at least £2,000 a day for supposedly just attending a board meeting, whilst keeping a straight face at all times?


Then come and register with jobsfortheboys.com, the new second jobs platform for Conservative MPs. We can put you in touch with the biggest big businesses and the greasiest lobbyists.


All you need to do is upload your CV, clearly indicating which select committees and task forces you currently serve on. You should also upload at least one example of a sponsored blog you have written on either the dangers of over-regulation, or the advantages of the private sector winning government COVID contracts. Please also indicate any preferences you have for working in sunny tax havens.


We will connect you with our vast network of CEOs, dodgy governments and regulatory influencers. You could soon be topping up your salary and your suntan. We don't like the word 'lobby', although admittedly some payments for your work may be handed to you in a dimly lit hotel lobby, in a brown envelope.


'Jobsfortheboys.com - less of a platform and more of a trough'.


Image: Pixabay/mohamed_hassan


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Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal

Updated: Nov 20, 2021



The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – all with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.


“I honestly had no idea what was going on” said Agatha, one of the donkeys that has found herself unwittingly at the heart of the scandal. “I thought I saw those kids quite a lot, I’d remember them anywhere after Kyle was sick on me that time, but I am a simple artiste dedicated to serving my public - I don’t concern myself with the grubby finances of the business.”


However, Mr Entwhistle has denied that he has done anything wrong. “It’s all perfectly legal” he said. “If a donkey owner worried about the renewal of their licence wishes to offer my grandchildren a free ride, for example once every Saturday and every weekday afternoon in the school holidays, who am I to suspect anything untoward? Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I are hoping to purchase a beach hut for our retirement, and our estate agents Blair and Blair tell us there’s a lot of paperwork we need to complete.”


Image: Pixabay/johnnyhypno




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