FIFA seeks sponsors for Christmas truce football game in Gaza

'Call us lovably innocent and child-like,' said a FIFA spokesman, 'but we really think that something wonderful will happen on Christmas morning in Gaza, with Hamas fighters and Israel Defense Force troops emerging from their trenches and striding across the rubble-strewn wastelands towards each other – hands outstretched - to swap seasonal good wishes and offer each other cigarettes.

'Furthermore, we fully expect a jolly game of football simultaneously to ensue, and we are now opening the bidding for sponsors for this sublimely heart-warming event.

'The 2023 Gaza Spontaneous Seasonal Soccer Game (TM) needs an official soft drink, an official beer, an official time-keeper, and an agreeable five-star hotel for FIFA executives to stay in - free of charge - throughout this unique and life-affirming event.

'We’ve been surprised to learn that some people doubt that the IDF and Hamas will spontaneously decide to kick footballs around with each other to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Saviour, the Prince of Peace – on the basis that neither side are Christian, and they simply hate each other too much.

'All we can say is that in our experience, if you are a multi-national corporation and you are prepared to shovel very, very large amounts of cash in the direction of the things you want, you can generally buy quite a lot of wonderful surprises for yourself.

'So just send your usual, huge cheques to our usual bank account in Switzerland and seize the chance to be connected with an up-coming Christmas miracle in the Holy Lands which will be remembered by consumers forever!'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair

Lingerie millionairess Baroness Mone has said the huge pants-fire in her lingerie factory near Slough is "unconnected" to the controversy over her lies regarding PPE. She issued a statement saying the fact the fire broke out the very moment she admitted to Laura Kuenssberg she had been lying was a "pure coincidence".

'There has been a lot of arson around and I can only put the fire down to people who want to hurt me' Baroness Mone continued. She denies that she and her husband had been arson around for nearly two years before telling the truth about their part in the PPE affair.

'The pants factory and its contents are very well insured and like any careful and successful business people, we protect our assets and stand to make a little extra to cover the expenses of the claim,' she said in an independent multi-million feature film starring Tom Cruise which she wrote, produced and directed.

'The pants factory and the film were financed by a company owned by my husband, a man who I have never met in my life. Our two children, who were conceived postally, are the ones I would go to any lengths to protect.'

It's understood that Baroness's pants-empire has now started making fireproof pants and Piers Morgan is set to publicly endorse them for an undisclosed sum of £60million.

In some unheard clips from her Kuenssberg interview Mone added:

'It's lucky I was a Conservative peer, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to recommend my husband's company to supply useless PPE and personally profit from the catastrophic outbreak of a killer disease... It is difficult being a Baroness with 60 million quid that I shouldn't have. The struggle is real - can you even buy a super yacht with that? My diamond slippers are a bit tight actually... How best to distract jaded newspaper editors from a story about public sector procurement? Well, I'm a lingerie tycoon, so, tits.'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

H/T: stewartbarclay

Putin unveiled as winner of 2024 Russian election

After Russian President Vladimir Putin announced he will stand again for a fifth term in office next year, the Russian media immediately announced Mr Putin as the landslide winner.

'It is a very busy time of the year,' a Russian media agency told us, 'we might as well get this out of the way now. He's won about 80-85% of the vote too. Incredible really.'

The Russian media is overwhelmingly part of Putin Empire so this reporting is also seen as a cost cutting measure.

'There is a special military operation going on, you know", an unnamed official told us, "every rouble counts! We don't want to be spending money on an expensive election campaign when we can give that money to President Pu......errr our brave soldiers in Ukraine.'