Man City lead Premiership on hearings

Despite being only six games into the season, Man City have opened up an impressive gap between themselves and the other cheats. Even on court cases, for and against, Man City are set to win the league...and then get relegated four divisions, for breaking fair-play rules.

Using their formation of three at the back and eight in tax havens, the team have outplayed everyone when it comes to being sketchy. Their fluid grasp of accountancy and free-flowing use of bungs, has mesmerised HMRC.

115 hearings ahead, Man City are guaranteed to get into Europe via a Swiss bank account, and then on to the Cayman Islands. The Premiership warned: 'The only penalties awarded this season will be financial.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Starmer recalls all former Conservative MPs

'Rachel's taken a look at the books and it seems there's something missing,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'We kind of knew about the £30 Billion for track and trace, the Gazillion pounds missing from dodgy deals over covid, but the Treasury coffers have been hollowed out,' he said.

Consequently, every Conservative MP, both those who lost their seats and both of those who kept them, have been told to report to Starmer's office by nine Monday morning and are to turn their pockets out.  Pronto.  They are to bring their briefcases and have them ready for inspection.

'We don't expect to find anything,' confided the spokesman, 'but while Sir Keir's flexing his cane and pacing up and down in front of them we can be ransacking their bank accounts.  Anything over a billion will be considered sus, apart from Rishi, obvs.

One hack asked if they would turn up, to the obvious amusement of the spokesman.  'Did you not hear the bit about the cane?  We're talking Tories here,' he said. 

Craig Williams bet on government delivering sh*t to every household

Concerns have been raised after it was revealed that Rishi Sunak aide, Craig Williams, has placed a large bet that the government will be delivering a parcel of excrement to every household in the UK.

The BBCs political correspondent, Joe Pike, explained that Mr Williams was close to the Prime Minister and it, unfortunately, seemed likely that this would be carried out. 'The government has been criticised for allowing water companies to pump excrement into rivers so one solution would be to post parcels of it around the country. This was seen as a 'marginal' policy by many, but this bet seems to make it much more likely.'

'If North Korea can use rubbish bags as a sort-of weapon, then the Tories can too.'

Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay