Cost of fuel creates business opportunity for false numberplate dealers

Businesses supplying false numberplates for cars are springing up around the corner from petrol stations across the nation as the cost of filling a tank has reached the point when it is getting as close to being as expensive as divorcing MacKenzie Bezos.

One such business' adverts say "A hundred quid for a tank of fuel or fifty quid for a set of number plates, I know which option makes more sense!" The website advises they offer the option of selecting a model of vehicle and its colour; and if it can be matched with that owned by a government minister, or someone you hate, for an extra ten pounds, you can have them make that.

When asked if any particular section of the driving community are purchasing false number plates, we were told "It don't take a lot of working out, does it? (sic) Which cars have the biggest tanks and are most likely to be driven by crooks?"

Image: Pixabay/Andreas160578

Goverment solves cost of living crisis with photocopied pictures of nutritious food

Having engaged restaurateur Henry Dimbleby, to help assist in compiling its food strategy policy, Jacob Rees Mogg has been reseaching the ingredients Henry Dimbleby suggests the government should focus on, and concluded that a nutritious gruel to keep the plebs heathy could be made by boiling photocopied pictures of the ingredients, although he says it would come at less cost to the taxpayer if the poor had the decency to download the picures and print them out.

Tory doners have applauded Rees Mogg's brilliance and are planning on producing a range of ink jet printers with nutritional ink cartridges that allow the users to adjust the amount of ink they use, so for special occasions, an entire ink cartridge could be used to add more flavour, but when money is tight, the printer could be used in draft mode.

Image: Pixabay/Engin_Akyurt

Cost of living crisis - PM and Chancellor are both on the same page

It's being reported by Downing Street, that although the PM and the Chancellor had previously disagreed about a windfall tax on energy companies they are both now nearly on the same page.

Unfortunately, during their disagreement, the page got shredded. A team of forensic civil servants have been tasked with reassembling the pieces, hopefully in the correct order and it is hoped that by the time the work is completed, the nation will be able to afford to eat again and pay their bills.

When asked how long this would take, one of the civil servants told us "It's a laborious and painstaking job re-assembling shredded paper. Before we can get started on re-assembling the page, we have to pick out the pieces from all the other stuff in the shredder. It wouldn't have been so bad if the PM hadn't asked the Metropolitan police to hand the Partygate evidence over to him, now they've finished their inquiry."

Image: pixabay/Hans