Russian war-crimes "investigated by the wrong ICC"

A leading British news organisation has revealed that information about Russian war crimes in Ukraine has erroneously been forwarded to the International Cricket Council.

The initial investigation carried out by the Rules Committee lambasted both sides for the lack of an umpire, poorly marked and maintained wicket and out-field, and the deplorable lapse in approved Test attire. However, they have been highly complimentary about the running between creases and some of the fielding.

In a similar vein, footage of the recent Winter Tour has been handed over to the International Criminal Court for analysis, which has confirmed it to be both "International and Criminal". As a result, certain members of the England squad have been arrested and transferred to Den Haag to stand trial, with the Court also ordering the seizure of MCC assets for promoting such "cruel and barbaric practices".

When approached to comment on this story, a spokesman for the British Box Company tersely replied, "For fuck's sake - not again !" and slammed down the phone.

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Football asks Cricket: ‘Can we have our racism back?’

With further examples of intuitional abuse in cricket, many football hooligans are distraught to have their thunder has been stolen. Football’s time as a world leader in racist abuse is set to end, complained one yob: ‘The only difference between racism in cricket and other sports, is that cricket racism is held over five days – and nobody really knows the rules’.

Alarm bells should have rung, when Yorkshire cricketers insisted that their cricket whites include a hood. One club executive replied: ‘It’s just not cricket – well, actually yes it is. It’s exactly cricket’.

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Indian team admits: 'We just didn't fancy a week in Manchester'

The Indian cricket board has 'regretfully' announced that they cannot field a team for the final Test Match at Old Trafford, because they are 2-1 up in the series, and their players want to get home to somewhere with decent weather, perhaps a beach, and put their feet up before the highly lucrative Indian Premier League starts in two weeks' time.

It is understood that the England and Wales Cricket Board stands to lose £20 million, while the IPL is worth £300m to the Bank of Credit and Commerce International - whoops, Board of Control of Cricket India. Or rather, it is now worth £280 million after the ECB changed the status of the match from 'forfeited by India, series drawn 2-2' to 'cancelled, India win the series 2-1' in the early hours of this morning.

Meanwhile, some of the backroom staff have unfortunately tested positive for COVID, none of the actual players have, but as a spokesperson shouted from a taxi on the way to the airport. 'You can't be too careful eh?'

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