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Future Ashes matches at Old Trafford to be held between groundsmen


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Following a washout test match in which the TMS commentators used every description of rain known to mankind, the ICC has proposed that future test matches are either played somewhere sensible, or that both teams provide their best groundsmen, who will compete against each other in keeping the pitch and outfield dry.


The cricketers themselves would entertain the spectators by performing rain dances or displays of piety, depending on which team of groundsmen were mopping up, and the match will be decided on how many overs might have been bowled between making the pitch usable and the next torrential downpour.


TMS commentators, who traditionally have been ex-cricketers, would be replaced by ex-groundstaff who will comment on the various techniques the opposing groundsmen employ and how much more difficult it was keeping pitches dry in their day, without the assistance of protective clothing.




England cricket selectors ditch humans for pack of cross-breed dogs


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"We first had the idea on Day One of the test match at Edgbaston," slurred England's chairman of selectors.


"The selectors' panel were drinking Pimms in the pavilion all afternoon long, and whenever one of the human stumblebums spilled a simple catch, or got out playing a moronically poor pull shot to a rising ball on leg stump, one of us would shout: 'A dog could do better than that!'


"That evening, over the sixth round of lagers in some awful curry house near the Bullring, we all thought: 'well, what about it?'


"So today, we're abolishing the Marylebone Cricket Club as unfit for purpose and replacing it with the Muttleybone Cricket Club.


"The collection of village idiots and ditch sleepers we used to have in the national team will be replaced with a pack of cockapoos, pomskis, labradoodles and lurchers randomly chosen from the Battersea Dogs Home.


"They'll field a hell of a lot better than the human squad ever did, and not drop dollies in the slips. We'll be placing the speediest of them at deep mid whippet and long dog leg.


"Using Pavlovian methods, we'll train them to play the most basic defensive and attacking strokes, as taught in the MCC Coaching Manual for Cricketing Toddlers - skills which have consistently eluded England's human XI, however many choc drops we've fed them.


"We'll be throwing in a couple of goldfish for good measure, because while every human got out at Edgbaston in exactly the same way as he did the week before at Lords - swatting airily at a bouncer and getting caught in the deep - the goldfish may be better at remembering their previous mistakes."


image from pixabay



Lords cricket ground prepares for a second night of riots


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The Lords pavilion was described as "peaceful" today after a night of riots which saw windows smashed, irreparable damage done to paintings of old cricketers, and thousands of MCC members arrested.


"We are seeking justice for a young man cruelly dismissed by the wicked Aussies," said a furious club member in a Panama hat, who was filling empty Bollinger bottles with petrol to throw at the umpires.


"He was so new at the crease, and his innings held such promise. They callously dispatched him when he was only on 10."


Match officials in riot gear are being stationed throughout the stands at Lords in preparation for a second night of violence, with instructions to hammer all disorderly MCC members into submission.


"I'm already pretty hammered," groaned a disorderly old gentleman with a red nose, wearing a striped blazer and tie. "But that's because I spent the whole of yesterday and last night knocking them back at the Tavern bar."


image from pixabay



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