Fascists: an apology

NewsBiscuit would like to apologise to all racists, xenophobes, far-right groups and those who bankroll them for describing them accurately.

We have listened to their sobs and now realise that calling a fascist a fascist is hurtful. Although they might hurl words like ‘snowflake’ around like, erm, snowflakes they are really very sensitive souls who have reached late middle age and realised that their lives haven’t turned out quite as imagined. This makes them vulnerable and we should all stop picking on them. Their disappointing career progression/house/wife probably is the fault of immigrants/the ECHR/Muslims/wokery – and nothing to do with being of moderate intelligence and work ethic in a flat economy.

We also understand that some far-right leaders might not be true believers, but innocent grifters trying to make an honest buck – well, a legal-ish buck – out of the simple faithful. Rather like a mediaeval bishop living in a palace paid for by peasants. To these people also we apologise. You may have riches on earth but if there is even the faintest glimmer of an afterlife you’re fucked. In all holes. Probably simultaneously.

If you’ve been affected by media criticism of far-right political organisations please don’t call our helpline. Instead, get a grip, stop buying that ridiculous ‘newspaper’ you clutch each morning on the way back from the shops and travel further than the end of your street. Oh, and check a calendar - World War 2 ended before you were born, you weren't there.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Woman buys house, lives in house, sells house, Tories furious

A woman has sold a house for a profit, a mere 17 years after buying it. This 'event' has provoked horror from leading Conservatives and several right-wing newspapers, because the woman is Angela Rayner - definitely the 'fun one' on a shadow cabinet girls night out.

Professional frother-at-the-mouther Clementine Carruthers salivated 'No self respecting Tory MP would only make 48k over 17 years from a house. Phil and especially Kirsty would have a fit. At the very least a Conservative MP would have claimed Parliamentary expenses for the second of two entirely fictitious moats, then have his hedge fund quadruple mortgage the place, then sell it to a Russian oligarch for a massive profit, then immediately buy it back from a Russian oligarch at a suspiciously knockdown price, then keep the money from a VIP lane multi-million pound PPE contract that a house obviously couldn't fulfil, then register the house as a limited company in the Bahamas, then declare that company bankrupt, then quintuple the rent at zero notice, in order to evict the young family who can no longer afford to live there, on to the street. And the cause of the fire that burned it all down afterwards was never found.' 

'Angela Rayner's behaviour - buying an ex-council house, living in the house, then selling it nearly 2 decades later - makes me physically sick. We just cannot tolerate this kind of social mobility. It will not do, to give the oiks hope, when it's our duty to crush their dreams and destroy their futures.'

'Anyway, women can't own property, can they? That's political correctness gone mad.'

Image: H031175 - Pixabay

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Rishi Sunak: Culture Warrior

After some big defeats threatened to turn by elections into bye bye elections, PM Rishi Sunak was overheard listening to Monty Python's Black Knight and laughing a bit too hysterically when the Knight says 'tis but a scratch' and 'it's only a flesh wound' as his limbs are lopped off.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst interrupted putting stripes of camouflage paint on his face to whisper: 'Brave Rishi Sunak is tooling up for the Culture Wars. His rousing speeches sound like Henry V. Or they would if Shakespeare had written it to sound like a patronising nursery school teacher.'

'Rishi is going to be an action man - a Ken doll if you like - and nuke the culture wars like Oppenheimer. His aim is to make a country like the Daily Mail comments section - boiling with impotent rage at a world that doesn't resemble a version of a bucolic past that never existed.'

'We do our announcements in the Daily Mail now - it's the paper of record.'

'Let's just say if you're a transgender asylum seeker, things might get a little spicy. And if you live in Uxbridge and South Ruislip, it's time to stop breathing quite so deeply. Tory air is dirty air. But like man of the people Rishi says, if you need to get away, you can always get the spare jet to your place in the Caymans. Coincidentally that also works with getting away from taxes. Win win.'

Image: Stable Diffusion Online (stablediffusionweb.com)