Man's plan to end it all thwarted by slow cooker

Harry Sparkes (64) spoke of his frustration: 'I'd had my head in the cooker for 3-4 hours and I'd still only got slightly warm. To add insult to injury, when my wife found me, she just turned me over and administered a light marinade'.

Sadly, it is not the first time Harry has attempted to end his life. He has tried connecting the exhaust pipe from his Tesla, hanging himself with bungee rope and taking an overdose of multivitamins. Said Harry: 'Depressing isn't it? I've even thought about putting a toaster in my bath, but I'm gluten intolerant'.

Image: Pixabay/OpenClipart-Vectors

Schrodinger's Queen is both dead and alive

Rumours persist that the death of the Monarch is being concealed - at least until the next slow news day. These whispers have been exasperated by sightings of Prince Charles, laughing maniacally in a new frock.

The press has noted panic buying of black armbands and corgi shaped floral bouquets. The Prime Minister, himself, is said to have already block-booked all available slots of 'two minutes of silence.'

A palace spokeswoman confirmed: 'The Queen was seen alive and well at a local Pizza Express.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/board-mathematics-school-to-learn-4855963/

“Covid? Oh, yeah, whatever happened with that?” asks mainstream media

By Our Health Correspondent, Ian Difference

MEDIA CENTRE, SALFORD – Newspaper editors nationwide felt a nagging sensation of having forgotten something important yesterday, as the realisation dawned on them that there is actually still a pandemic on.

With over 250,000 cases and 790 deaths from Covid-19 in the last week, the rampaging virus finally caught the attention of the right-wing press as well as the main television channels, albeit fleetingly.

“Coronavirus? I remember that thing. God, those were the days, eh? So glad it’s all over and done with now,” said the head of BBC news, looking up briefly from his crossword as a colleague mentioned the ghastly figures. “Any more stories about politicians doing karaoke?”

“Christ! Covid! I knew there was something we’d forgotten to report on for the last 100 days in a row,” cried the editor of the Daily Mail. “But, in fairness, Freedom Day announced the dawning of a new era: an era of journalists pretending the virus doesn’t exist.”

“Turning a blind eye to the ravages of the virus is better for profits,” agreed the chief executive of the Daily Telegraph. “So we’ve gone back to what we do best – publishing exclusives about woke-ism destroying our museums and universities, and bashing the gay dancers on Strictly.”

“Yes, even though infection rates have risen ever-higher since the summer and the UK has maintained a place on the red list of nearly all of our neighbours, we didn’t find room to mention any of that,” said every newspaper in a joint statement. “Some things are better left unsaid, especially if they might require self-sacrifice.”

The newsmen confirmed they could be convinced to cover the pandemic again, but only in opinion pieces lambasting the concept of lockdowns.

image pixabay/geralt

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