In case you hadn’t heard, Queen Elizabeth has died. Following a bereavement, it’s normal to go through five stages of grief. However, as the Queen was far more important than anyone else, you are required by law to go through at least ten stages of grief:
Denial. News that the most important person in the world has died is hard to believe, especially if you get all your news from Facebook.
Sadness. You must feel overwhelming sadness that someone you never met who didn’t know you existed has died. That’s perfectly rational.
Anger. You will be angry at God for allowing a very old woman who lived a life of extreme privilege to die peacefully surrounded by her family, in a luxurious castle. How could He be so cruel?
Guilt. You must feel guilty that you’re still alive, while someone who was so much better than you has died, you insignificant turd.
Hopelessness. You must feel that you can’t possibly go on with your pathetic life now the Queen has gone. And why should you - what have you ever done to boost UK tourism?
Regret. You must regret that you haven’t lived your life as nobly as the Queen did, who was paid vast amounts of money to live in luxury and travel the world waving at people. So what if you’re a nurse, and raise money for charity in your spare time? You should be ashamed of yourself, you oxygen thief.
Depression. Being constantly bombarded by the media with images of people in mourning will make you feel depressed. Wallow in your depression - taking Prozac is not allowed.
Confusion. Things will change now the Queen has gone, so you’ll feel confused. Rest assured that no matter which monarch is on the money, you won’t have enough to live on, especially now the government needs to fund a state funeral and a coronation.
Bargaining. You must buy as much Queen Elizabeth memorial tat as you can get your dreadfully common hands on. Don’t be tempted to buy cheap items off the market - bargaining over such important artefacts would make your love of the Queen seem less sincere. You should buy the same crap for 20 times the price from the back of TV listings magazines.
Acceptance. While mourning for the Queen, you must accept that there is now a King, who also deserves your unconditional love. Demonstrate your dog-like adoration for him by shouting ‘God save the King’, every time you see his image, and by bulk buying Duchy Original biscuits from Waitrose, even though you can only normally afford to shop at Lidl.
image from pixabay