"I was just curtain-twitching as usual when I noticed four naked people stop at a field across the road", says Mrs Celia Hackett, 68, of Kent. "Naturally, I assumed they were just doggers, as they were all overweight and their car was a beige Mondeo. So I thought nothing more of it. Imagine my sense of betrayal when I found they'd left behind five bags full of unsorted household waste".
"These are not genuine doggers", says outraged dogging spokesman Chris Waley. "We have a strict code of conduct that forbids us from leaving anything at the scene except designated body fluids and maybe the odd vibrator battery if it's biodegradable".
Meanwhile, butcher Gordon Miffley was almost lynched when he was caught in the act of dumping 50kg of offal in the Devon countryside. "I tried to explain that it was part of our local council's Cultural Exchange Week", he says. "We tip our rubbish in an area of outstanding natural beauty while the doggers hold their orgies at the municipal recycling centre".
When driverless vehicles become a genuine possibility the expectation is that they will communicate with each other, so if for example a BMW in the outside lane of a motorway imagines that a Range Rover will allow it to cut across its path at the last second it can reach the slip road, the conversation between the vehicles of “Don’t even try it, Sonny”, will have occurred miles before the slip road.
It’s hoped this will lead to fewer accidents, but dating apps have cottoned on that driverless vehicle technology can assist with the pursuit of romance.
“When you think about it” said Deirdre Milf, a dating consultant, “lonely people travel up and down the country, unaware that their ideal partner might be in the car next to them. It seems logical to find a way we can use our date matching data to best advantage. There’s precious little chance of a lonely heart in Swansea taking up our match of an ideal partner in Sunderland, but little would the two know how close they were to each other when they neared the dogging sites in Dudley. Our proposed app will give the couple the opportunity to accept or decline the liaison of a lifetime in real time.”
Deirdre went on to explain that as part of their proposed service, in addition to the two vehicles being directed by the app to the same dogging area, it would be possible to set liason preferences such as:
Sites with wash facilities and condom machines
Dogging sites selling alcohol and fags to recover with
Reserved parking places (premium charge)
Floristry machines
Jewellery machines
Deirdre added she was very excited about the email from Head Office she saw arrive as we were talking, entitled “2 in 1 special offer” and if it means what she hopes it does, she’d definitely be up for it.
image from pixabay