Britain Wins Gold In Paralytic Games

Team Britain is doing well so far in this year's Alcoholympics, popularly known as the Paralytic Games, where competitors have to be completely shit-faced but are usually fully able-bodied otherwise. Events include not only indoor games like darts, dominoes, quoits, pool, snooker, billiards, shove-ha'penny and skittles, as well as less athletic games like crib, poker, phat (for those from the Welsh Marches) and tens (for refugees from South wales) but also more fiercely competitive outdoor games out in the car park.

These slightly more aggressive games include oiyouspilledmypint, ourfootyteamisbetterthanyourfootyteam, and perhaps the most combative car-park game of all, areyoulookinatmybird, with its accompanying comeonthenifyouthinkyourehardenough variant. Major sponsors include Fullers, Greene King and Wetherspoons.

However the Paralytic Games are only just recovering for a major scandal of a few years ago when, amid much controversy, the Swiss team was banned following a drugs test in which the whole team were found to be completely free of any mind-altering substances whatsoever, not even alcohol. 'This was an outrage' complained one unsteadily-swaying British competitor 'The sneaky bastards were trying to gain a completely unfair advantage over the rest of the world's decent, respectable piss-heads'.

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Subbuteo table soccer's latest edition to feature drunken England fan

In what is being seen as a groundbreaking move, table football icons, Subbuteo, last night announced that they will be including a drunken England supporter in their World Cup edition which is being launched later today.

A spokesman for the company told reporters: 'We at Subbuteo think it’s important to reflect all the aspects and nuances of the modern game, so with this in mind we have decided to introduce a model depicting an English fan who has quite clearly had too much to drink.

'To authenticate the staggering gait of a boozed-up supporter we have abandoned our usual rounded base design for this model, in favour of an irregular, octagonal affair, so that when the figure is flicked forward in the time-honoured Subbuteo style, it will veer around alarmingly before toppling over, simulating the behaviour of somebody who is so drunk they don’t know if they want a shit or a haircut.

'During matches, the figure can be laid down outside the stadium with his Union Jack shorts around his ankles, remaining there for the duration of the game, before returning unsteadily to the box about 4 hours after the final whistle.

'The deluxe model will feature a realistic small plastic turd which can be placed inside the shorts to replicate a person so inebriated that they’ve lost control of their bodily functions.

This version will also feature a replica jail cell and three uniformed, foreign police officers holding long nightsticks, who can be flicked towards the imprisoned fan as he lies unconscious on the cell floor simulating a good beating by anti-English cops.'

Whilst being widely welcomed by table soccer enthusiasts, there were some detractors who voiced concerns last night.

A spokesman for the “Please Drink Sensibly” organisation told newsmen: 'Yer f**kin’ bashtas yersh! Yer f**kin’ f**k! I’ll tek the f**king lot of yersh! You’re me besht mates you are!”

image from pixabay

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