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    • fward
      • Mar 5
      • 1 min read

    Williamson to be knighted for services to dipshittery




    Arsehole formerly known as defence secretary and education secretary, Gavin Williamson, is to receive a knighthood, for his dedicated service to useless dipshits everywhere, it has emerged.


    “When it comes to pure dipshittery, Gavin’s credentials are beyond reproach,” commented Sir Percival Humpreys from the Royal Society of Royalness.


    “He was sacked by two Prime Ministers in two years. An impressive feat in itself, made all the more remarkable by the fact that the second Prime Minister is himself a useless melt, incapable of recognising his own birthday party taking place before his very own eyes.


    “He does indeed bring a new level of barrel-scraping ineptitude to the honours system.”


    A bewildered Williamson is quoted as having said, “as an aspiring dipshit, back studying for A-level results that I forgot I took, I couldn’t of dreamed of receiving such an accolade for being this ball-achingly shite at everything.


    “I would like to thank all of countless students whose futures I’ve f*cked up, but I’m sure they will totally understand that my staggering incompetence was just a stepping stone for me to get to this point at their expense. Classic dipshitting.


    When asked for comment from the Palace, there are unconfirmed reports that the Queen said, “get that dipshit, Andrew to do it.”


    Image: Pixabay/balichaca

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    • Politics
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    • Nice Admin Lady
      • Feb 18
      • 1 min read

    Teachers told to be unbiased except when we need them to be


    An Education spokeswoman explained: 'We want them to teach the upsidse of the slave trade, climate change and Prince Andrew'. One teacher countered: 'So you also want a balanced view on terrorism, vaccines, the world being round?' The spokeswoman replied: 'Er...maybe not'.


    image from pixabay

    • News in Brief
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    • Wrenfoe
      • Sep 1, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Schools needing a CO2 monitor to be provided with a canary

    The means of monitoring ventilation and the spread of Covid is only one small, yellow bird away according to Government research. Should the bird turn blue and drop off their perch, it will explain why all the schoolchildren are blue and lying unconscious under their desks.


    The classroom will be evacuated and designated as an appropriately sized office space or a ‘spacious London apartment’. The students will then be moved to a smaller classroom to recover, but one with no annoying bird in it – or windows.


    This cost saving measure will cut the expense of actual monitors and has no connection whatsoever with the fact the Education Secretary’s best friend from Uni runs a Canary Farm. Meanwhile the new coal mine in Cumbria will be fitted with small primary age children, in cages. Should the children turn blue and drop off their perch…

    Image: janjf93/Pixabay

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