Trump takes credit for planetary alignment

President Trump today explained that his administration was responsible for the unusual planetary alignment that allowed no less than seven planets to be visible in the sky last night.

'Would never have happened with sleepy Joe' he told assembled White House reporters. 'This is a great day for American astrologers… astroturfers… whatever the hell they are.'

He went on to say that now the planets were obeying his bidding, it was time to think about opening hotel/casino resorts on other worlds.

'We’re calling it Mars-a-Lago, it’s gonna be great, the best thing ever. You get on one of Elon’s spaceships at Cape Canaveral, and assuming it doesn’t blow up on launch - and they’re getting much better, believe me - you’re there in 7–8 months.'

Asked whether people would really want to travel so far just to visit a barren wasteland with no atmosphere, he replied, 'People go to Atlantic City, don’t they?'

'Besides, that’s based on where Mars is now. We’re gonna be bringing it much closer. And by the way, don’t believe the people who say that would mess up gravity, or whatever, that’s just a Big Science conspiracy theory. Teach the controversy.'

Picture credit: Freepik AI

US of Eh? America added to its own Axis of Evil

Donald Trump knows that everyone loves a bad boy, so the USA is going double naughty.

American intelligence analysts have therefore listed the USA itself as part of the Axis of Evil. However, all American intelligence analysts are set to be fired after Elon Musk was too high on ketamine to remember how many Nazi salutes he had given.

One analyst sighed, 'Old Musky-pants could just have joined Fathers 4 Justice instead of this. He wears a leather jacket and is in his 50s, so he definitely has the vibe.'

Given the threat America poses to everyone, including America, Trump has ordered all major American cities that voted Democrat - which is essentially all of them - to be targeted by American nukes. That’s as long as Putin gives his permission.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Americans ‘proud’ of their craven submission to workplace bullies

In an otherwise divided America, workers have united to praise America’s feudal employment laws.

‘We’re not pussies like you Europeans’, said one American, probably called Brad or something. ‘We work hard, we play hard. If our manager wants to f*ck us up the ass – well, that’s the American way. Most Europeans wouldn’t survive a week in an American company.’

Most Europeans agree, citing such effete frivolity as employment law, the right to some kind of a life and self-respect, a concept which has yet to make it across the Atlantic.

Brad, or whatever his name is, disagrees: ‘Listen, if Elon – or any rich guy, basically – demands to know what I achieved last week so he can sack me on a whim – well, that’s what made America great.

Have you seen that picture of the guys sitting on a girder in the sky? That’s America. Scared of heights? So plummet to your death, weakling. We’ll applaud.

Britain used to be great, too – you had those chimney sweeps, they were fantastic. And I saw four guys from York Shire on the TV talking about living in a newspaper in a septic tank. I passed their details to HR – they sound like they’d fit right in here’.

Picture credit: Wix AI