BBC to be funded by Twitter Verified status

With the licence fee unlikely to be extended beyond FY 26/27, the BBC is searching for ways to fund itself.  'Obviously advertising isn't going to work,' a corporation spokesman stated, noting the decline in advertising revenue globally that would only be diluted by the BBC entering the party.  It was thought that making the taxpayer fund the broadcaster was the solution - practically the same as a licence fee but just not pretending the licence isn't a tax.  But then it was noted that Sky owner, Rupert Murdoch, appeared to support the idea.  'So that's off the table, then,' said the spokesman.

A subscription model has been discussed, but it is thought to be as successful as running a Premier football team without a shady oligarch funding the 95% shortfall in costs being covered, or not covered, by ticket sales.  'Shame really, as some of our staff are paid like Premier League footballers, especially as some of them used to be Premier League footballers,' he added.

'We did consider the GB News model - spout fascist propaganda 24/7, employ horrible, nasty presenters and market mainly hate, but to be fair Laura Kuenssberg is already filling that role and then you're back to the 95% of costs needed to be covered by a shady oligarch,' he said.

'So, we've decided to invest £8 a month for a verified blue tick - it actually wasn't the BBC who got the verified tick, it was a made up person called @brian0999945733745 who got it - and all our content is going to run on Twitter and Musk will pay, pay, pay,' said the Spokesman.  

'We're not doing it on Facebook, though.  That would be really lowering ourselves.  We've got standards,' he lied.

Trump assigns Neil Patrick Harris Secretary for Health

As expected, Donald Trump this week made Neil Patrick Harris his Secretary for Health and Human services. In a long telegraphed appointment, Trump made good on his plan to put the award winning Broadway actor in charge of the country's fattening health. Citing Harris's extensive experience playing Doogie Howser, M.D., over four seasons from 1989 to 1993, Trump said Americans could rest assured Harris was overqualified to take on the burden of saving 325 million patients.

The then 16 year old Harris was so convincing as the prodigy teenage physician that members of the public would approach him in sneaker stores and ask his opinions of their suspicious moles and weird dry mouth symptoms. Harris became increasingly adept at spouting ad hoc diagnoses, to the point that he sounded like an actual jaded doctor. Thereafter the US public's confusion between act and reality settled into the same pattern it has in every other sphere that has led to what we are facing in 2025.

Observers believe Trump is trying to form a 'kitchen cabinet of geniuses.' He himself is an unarguably stable one; Harris/Howser, who possesses a genius intellect and photographic memory, is now at Health; Musk, the tech Leonardo, is in charge of the 1930s revival; Marilyn Vos Savant, with an IQ of 228 (look her up), will be put in charge of regulating the diet coke industry; while Simon Jordan will be tasked with frightening off the Houthis.

Bill Gates, however, is out. 'Bill was just too Epsteiny.' Gates, whose wife famously divorced him after she found out that the public had found out about his weekends on Eppy Isle, believes his chance will arise should there be a second pandemic. 'Bill's hopes rest solely on something apocalyptic emerging from China. He actually prays for it.' Meanwhile Trump is set to hire Jeff Bezos to handle the indigenous peoples threat from the Amazon.

Image: WixAI

Who had Superman down as a Nazi?