Keir Starmer rebuts 'sprout eater' jibe

The Prime Minister has issued a comprehensive rebuttal after an American billionaire and social media tech geek called him a 'sprout eater'.

The jibe, originally posted on the billionaire’s social media platform, went viral. Newspapers around the world put the accusation on their front pages, and media outlets sought out vegetable experts for comment. The Prime Minister found himself unable to discuss any current issues or government policies because the media only wanted to ask him about sprouts.

The Prime Minister has today issued a thorough rebuttal. He upholds the nutritional value of sprouts and other brassicas. He confirms that he and his family eat a wide range of seasonal vegetables, in line with NHS guidance, including some sprouts at Christmas.

The PM rejected 'an impoverished vision of the world in which political leaders are ranked according to their food preferences'. But he did admit that the Daily Star’s lettuce-based criticism of Liz Truss was fair game and good fun.

The PM stoutly defended British sprout growers, British sprout exports, British greengrocers and all other sprouts retailers. He reminded everyone that Britain’s best experts continued to work hard to bring new and exciting breeds of sprout to world markets.

He concluded by saying that Britain was a proud democracy in which everyone could choose whether or not to eat sprouts, without harassment or embarrassment. And he said that sprouts represented an inclusive vision of a healthy and tolerant British society, ready to accept diversity and to turn away from division.

In the meantime, the billionaire antagonist has moved on, and is now calling the PM a cabbage brained pea-wit. If this latest insult also gains traction, then Keir Starmer is expected to issue a new rebuttal in ten to fifteen days.

Image: WixAI

Evolution going into reverse, says Attenborough. Also, Trump sworn in.

Scientist, national treasure and brother of the Jurassic Park bloke, Sir David Attenborough, has wowed the scientific community by providing proof that evolution has finally started going backwards.

In a paper presented to the International Science Gang, Sir David cites many examples of this phenomenon.

'The rise to prominence of such armpit-scratching, knuckle-draggers like Trump, Musk and Tate is a sure sign of this,' he told the BBC.

'Their three syllable names will soon regress to two syllable names and by 2030, society's 'alpha-males' will just be identified by grunts and whistles. Reality TV shows will get worse with I'm a Celebrity taking part in a real jungle where contestants won't get to leave, Love Island will just be a resort to breed large-breasted, sloping-fore headed dipshits and Britain's Got Talent will just be people on stage throwing their faeces at Simon Cowell. So, it won't be all bad'

He added, 'Within one generation, human beings could be back living in caves, wearing the skins of their enemies to keep warm, and eating the Deliveroo driver.'

However, not all scientists agree. Professor Brian Cox told us, 'Human beings do not have the upper body strength to climb trees any more and, most kids couldn't do it if they had a ladder, their helicopter parents won't let them do anything considered even remotely so dangerous as physical exercise.'

He continued, 'I'm not the one from Succession, by the way.'

Image: ottielie - Pixabay

Elon Musk's Rocket Explodes in Huge Metaphor

Nine minutes after launching on its latest test flight, Elon Musk's starship project experienced an anomaly, causing a huge metaphor to occur over the Atlantic Ocean.

Engineers are still piecing together data, with initial investigations showing it's likely the loss was caused by the conjunction of an allegory and a parable, or possibly a symbolism overload.

Speaking at the launch site in Texas, flight controller Emerald Minor gave waiting reporters and members of the Muskovites an update, saying, 'The flight was proceeding to plan until separation, when we had a rapid unscheduled disassembly of the booster caused by build issues, and a hugely expensive self-destruction of the main Starship vehicle prompted by an illogical decision.'

She continued, 'SpaceX are taking active measures to prevent metaphors to other ventures undertaken by our illustrious leader occurring in subsequent launches. As such, we have asked Elon to not attend the next flight in case it blows up in his face, reinforcing the launch pad to avoid an expensive black hole, and we will be keeping Jewish members of the team away from him at all costs; though we've actually been doing that for years.'

Elon Musk could not be reached for comment as he was busy trying to get strangers on the internet to think he's a really cool and funny guy.

image from pixabay