In a blow to Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars, the Martian government has banned the multi-billionaire from setting foot on the planet. The ban also applies to all spaceships owned in whole or in part by Musk or any of his contractors, according to Xyqqqwz, the Martian government’s Minister of Migration. ‘Any of Mr. Musk’s vessels that enter Martian orbit, or land on the surface, will immediately be seized and sold for scrap,’ said Xyqqqwz.
The ban comes in the wake of several recent bizarre interventions Musk has made in UK politics. ‘We get the BBC just like everyone else,’ Xyqqqwz explained in a rare interplanetary press conference. ‘And what we’ve been seeing just boggles the neuroreceptors.’ Martians seem particularly disturbed by Musk’s peculiar fascination with Tommy Robinson, famed throughout the solar system for his grotesque racism. ‘He is what we Martians refer to as a wanker,’ Xyqqqwz observed.
Down at the Comet & Crater, a popular local watering hole, the public reaction to the ban has generally been positive. ‘We should just keep all the humans out,’ said Qxxwwq, a canal maintenance worker. ‘All they do is bring crime and filth, and you can’t get even half a day’s work out of them.’
Yqqqxw, a property developer, had a more complex view. ‘We certainly welcome human tourism because we could use the money,’ Yqqqxw said. ‘But we don’t need ignorant and unskilled humans like Musk coming here to stay and burdening our taxpayers.’ One patron, who asked not to be identified, said he would welcome Musk to Mars. ‘I sell ketamine and I think his arrival here would really be good for business.’
Picture credit: Wix AI
Facebook has stated that it will comply with anything Musk tells Trump to tell Zuckerberg. With immediate effect, it will cease checking facts. You read that correctly, apparently up to now it has been. Well, to be fair, it checked the facts it passed to Analytica a few years back. Sort of. Anyway, for those concerned what this move means, here is how it will affect you.
Cat videos will almost certainly be AI generated. By cats. They have always controlled that part of Facebook.
Photographs of half-eaten meals will almost certainly be fake. At least we can hope they are fake.
Videos of people falling off buildings in comedic ways will remain to be fake. Unless they originate in Russia, in which case please look away.
Adverts selling tat nobody needs at exorbitant prices will remain. Adverts selling useful stuff at prices too good to be true will remain too good to be true.
All your private and personal data will be sold to anyone and everyone. That wasn't part of the deal, it's just how Facebook works.
A government spokesman stated that the government is unconcerned about the changes to Facebook. 'As far as we can tell the only people still using Facebook are geriatrics, and as we've choked their ability to pay for electricity over the winter they almost certainly won't notice the changes. We're certain we can squeeze more cash out of pensioners by the spring, so they'll continue not to notice the changes.'
Concerned citizens are recommended to change their social media to Friends Reunited, their search engine to Ask Jeeves, and to avoid sharing their personal details with their cat.
Photo by Glen Carrie on Unsplash