Updated: Dec 24, 2021
A 54-year-old London man facing assault charges told a court yesterday about the intense hatred he felt for the customer in front of him in the queue for an airport coffee. It was akin to the murderous fury experienced by the Greek hero, Achilles when he discovered that his arch-foe, Hector, had slain his beloved cousin, Patroclus, during the siege of Troy.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from East London, was charged with assault after smashing a bottle of duty-free Portuguese brandy over the victim's head as they waited in line at 'O Cafe' coffee outlet at Faro airport in August this year.
"Everything was going fine until the dithering twat in front of me decided he didn't know what type of coffee he wanted.
"He started asking the girl if the espresso had cardamom in it as he wasn't keen on it.
"When he started asking if the latte was made with a Columbian, medium roast bean, I lost it completely. If I'd had a chariot with me, I would have cheerfully dragged his lifeless body around the airport a few times to dishonour his corpse."
Fining Dell one hundred and fifty pounds plus costs, Justice Carter-Tracy said: "Your actions, while understandable, were somewhat excessive in my view.
"I suggest that the next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you exercise more restraint, although it could have been a lot worse, and you could have chained the victim to a rock where an eagle would swoop down and tear out his liver on a daily basis.