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    • Steveb
      • Aug 13, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Parents relieved: grades of privately educated cherubs CAN be bought after all

    A 97% inflation in private school grades has put the minds of rich parents at ease. After years of dismay that their dim spawn might have to suffer equivalent grades to those achieved in the state school system, the private education sector has finally pulled its finger out when it comes to enhancing grades on an industrial scale.


    One parent who preferred not to be named snorted, "I was profoundly concerned that having spent tens of thousands on De Pfeffel Jr.'s education, he might not acquire the grades I had paid for. But I am satisfied that this newly invigorated Department of Education has finally come to its senses. In the real world, when I bribe people, I get what I want. De Pfeffel Jr. must learn that he doesn't have to work for anything and can buy his way in or out of whatever he chooses. Like that marvellous chap, Prince Andrew.


    A response from the Department of Education stated, "We want to make it perfectly clear that this is in no way unfair. When a pupil cheats on a test in order to receive a higher grade, then that is cheating, and they will be severely punished. When entire private schools of great repute cheat all of their grades, then that is merely ensuring that wealthy parents are getting value for money. Their investments have to pay out, or there might be a perception that private education is unable to offer significant benefits over the state school system. And no one wants to see that."

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    • stewartbarclay
      • Aug 12, 2021
      • 1 min read

    Progressive Daily Telegraph to showcase brunettes’ brains

    The Daily Telegraph’s main photo on A level results day is to be a group of attractive posh brunette 18-year-old girls in short skirts, hugging each other. This is a marked change from attractive posh blonde 18-year-old girls in short skirts hugging each other, demonstrating just how progressive the newspaper is.


    ‘It’s Metoo feminism gone mad,’ said photographer and noted pervert Warren Wright.


    ‘We know what those retired colonels like. The girls are all 18, so it’s all technically legal. I hope so because I’m already on the register. I was worried that Covid regulations would prevent these group shots - yeah, just like that, darling. Maybe another shirt button. Yeah, now, kiss.’


    A nearby celebrating student Francesca Fraser adjusted her glasses before saying:

    ‘I’ve just got into Cambridge to study Astrophysics. Those two lezzing it up for the camera don’t even study here; they work at the shop next door.’

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