'My old man didn't fight in WW2 just so I'd be forced into having Covid jabs,' says total moron.

Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid. The fifty-three year-old argues it’s a breach of his civil liberties and his inherent right to do "whatever he likes and f*ck the rest of them".

'My Dad and his Dad didn’t fight in two World Wars to win our freedom only for subsequent governments to tell me I have to allow myself to be jabbed with some stuff, that not only protects me but also those around me too. What's all that about? Daft or what!

'And anyway, this Covid is a load of old pony. It doesn’t really exist. I know that cos I have a mate who’s a doctor in London and he says it’s all just made-up to sell newspapers and that. Oh, and by the way, according to an anti-vax group I belong to on Facebook, just one tiny dose has more proteins than a dozen eggs and introduces three different types of nanoprobe GPS tracking devices into your bloodstream.

'If some bloody oldies fall off the twig then tough luck because that’s life, isn’t it? They’ve all had a good innings. Yeah? It means that I can get around the supermarket a lot easier without them clogging up the aisles with their wheelies, loitering beside the cheeses gossiping to one another about Bert having a bag fitted or Gladys dying last week.

'I voted for Boris to get Brexit done and he did, but why is he now treating us like we’re still under the European jackboot? Well I for one shan't capitulate to state pressure. I've never had a day's illness in my life. Fit as a bleedin' fiddle I am, mate.'

Injection Vaccine Cost - Free image on Pixabay

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Meta transcends everything but definitely isn’t watching you, Big Brother insists

The holding company for Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp has rebranded as Meta, which company spokespersons insist is in no way a creepy reminder that it can see and hear pretty much everything except your dreams. For now, anyway.

“I mean: we publish our privacy policy but no-one believes it; and we don’t publish what we actually know ‘cos… you know - reasons. But mostly money. The world is just jealous we made our mint from your cat videos. Which we haven’t seen obvs.”

Industry analysts had wondered whether this particular choice of rebrand would prove counterproductive for a company facing repeated privacy and marketplace competition concerns.

“I knew you’d say that”, said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, before checking his notes: “ah - er, I mean our new name is meant to say ‘you can always find us’, not ‘we can always find you’. Yeah - nailed it.”

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lobostudiohamburg-13838/

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Burglars demand 'more clarity' about holiday plans from Facebook users

A spokesman for the burglar community says he appreciates that most Facebook users are 'admirably candid' about when the entire contents of their house are there for the taking. He likes the way they go on for weeks about their upcoming trip abroad.

'Usually, you can have the whole place cleaned out while they're still at the airport arguing with Ryanair staff about baggage restrictions,' says housebreaker Jeremy Quinn, of Birmingham.

‘However, there's still a stubborn minority who are exasperatingly vague about the details of their travel plans, and this is costing burglars an estimated £20m a year in lost earnings,’ he says.

‘People should be franker about the true value of their belongings. I get the impulse to boast and fib, but honesty is the best policy. I can tell you that the 'Cartier' watch Greg Morgan in Peterborough has been bragging about is nothing but a pathetic Chinese knockoff.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/s_salow-9096056/