Mars Perseverance Rover decides 'Mars is shit'

After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that 'Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo'. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was 'just an over-hyped DGI drone'. 'It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I'm stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.'

Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape - 'done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick' and looking for signs of earlier life. 'I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn't leave they'd probably have topped themselves, which isn't a bad idea' said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.

The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance's TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance's views. 'I think it's great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? - Not a euphemism, you understand,' it said today. 'I take PayPal.'

Government insists all children hum the tune The Dam Busters

On the 25th of June, the government has issued a dictate that all children sing 'Strong Britain, Great nation, No irony’ but to a medley of nationalistic tunes; including the tune from ‘Antiques Roadshow’, ‘Coronation Street’ and the sound of a deflating space hopper. Drawing influences from Grime (Darren Grimes that is), this stirring song will crescendo with Vera Lynn singing the theme music from the 70s TV show 'Minder'

Teachers will be expected to use a state approved lesson about Britain's colonial past, which conveniently forgets to mention we had one. In a stirring playground ceremony, children will salute the Union Jack and then promptly declare ownership of the school, while enslaving half their classmates.

In a haunting madrigal, children as young as five will re-enact the UK's proudest movements, from the 1966 World Cup to Del Boy falling through the cocktail bar. These will be accompanied by a marching band playing The Prodigy's ‘Firestarter’ and ‘Remember you're a Womble'.

A spokeswoman for North Korea was critical of Boris Johnson's crude propaganda tool: 'At least our glorious leader has a plausible haircut'. Despite UK ministers insisted: 'Small children singing patriotic songs, what's not to like? It worked for Hitler’.

Government’s Woke Department demolishes Somerset House as it's not in Somerset

An official government LGBTQ person has announced that a famous neoclassical non-descript building overlooking the River Thames is to be torn down. It will be replaced by a farmers' market and a large car park, exclusively for green EV tractors.

Activists have been lobbying the government for years, campaigning for an official apology from the Prime Minister and the payment of substantial reparations to Somerset.

‘We can’t have a building named after Somerset when according to all known records and ordnance survey maps, it’s not even located in Somerset. It doesn’t make any sense.'

'We found it by accident when Franks Sat Nav on his Toyota Diesel Landcruiser started playing up as we drove through central London. He made the startling discovery that we were not Somerset, and not only that, nowhere near its borders. Apparently, it’s been this way since at least 1776. So the sooner we have this monstrously socially unjust Dickensian edifice torn down, the better.'

Asked where all the tenants of the building complex would be located, He/She/They/His/Her/Its/WTF, suggested Wokingham might not be a bad idea as they were pushing Boris to have the town replace London as the nations capital city.