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Cottage cheese now more popular than chocolate with adolescent trick or treaters

The foodstuffs considered a treat by adolescents has changed from being mainly sugar based to being firmly protein based. Across the land this Halloween witches, Harry Potters, demons, zombies, skeletons and lazy cats clutched orange plastic cheery faced pumpkin buckets and sighed loudly at the offerings proffered on doorsteps which in no way aligned with their fitness journeys.


While walking on the actual journey between houses conversation was about what’s your favourite protein? Cottage cheese, previously just eaten by your chunky Aunty Margaret during the early part of the week before she gave up dieting again until next Monday, was a popular choice. A horror story was told about how previous generations wasted eggs by throwing them rather than showing them off in beautiful breakfasts on the socials.


One exasperated at the end of half term mother said her youngsters are mad for protein in the way she and her brother were mad for football stickers and scented erasers. One thing uniting the generations however was how much fun is it to be outside at night with friends and pretending to be frightened of small children dressed as diminutive ghouls.




Rachel Reeves' Halloween Boo-dget

In her first budget, Chancelloress of the Exchequeress Rachel Reeves has said that from 2028, people can no longer be dragged to Hell, or even into a higher tax bracket as income tax band thresholds will rise with inflation.


Zombies and vampires have highlighted the absurdity of inheritance tax threshold freezing, as they are already undead/live indefinitely. Conservative Party intern Henry Hootington-Hurst cackled wildly 'How come £50,000 per year Eton College isn't a charity? And obviously the Tories need the Covid Corruption Commission to give out treats, rather than tricks.'


In the Commons, the foulest stench was in the air, the funk of 40,000 years, as Tory ghouls from every tomb tried to close in and seal her doom. Styling herself as the Wicked Witch of the Centre Left, Reeves increased the minimum wage and moonwalked out of there.




'Labour sucked all the fun out of the budget' complain Tories

Conservative Party disgust has reached fever pitch at the lack of sh!ts and giggles in the Autumn Budget.


Party Membership Treasurer Horrace Smythe shook his head in dismay at the absence of transphobic quips about Fiscal Drag. 'Rachel Reeves didn't do the old one for you and six for me and my chums routine, and that just isn't right. How on Earth is she going to fund illegal parties at Downing Street?


'There wasn't a single reference to pork markets, or even an overhammed show of disgust at cheese imports. Everyone knows that's a basic must.


'She didn't quaff fine wine or brandy while stealing from the poor to give to the rich. She utterly failed to plant her posterior back on the front bench afterwards and light up a fat cigar. Not even a hint of a Groucho impression.


'What is most disappointing is that there wasn't one act of economic racism, or overt misogyny like a stiff hike in tampon taxes. And she completely overlooked the requirement to get Iain Duncan Smith all frothed up by sticking it to the severely disabled. She doesn't know what the important things are in a Budget, and she absolutely has to go.


'Chancellor of the Exchequer is clearly a job only a man can do.'




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