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Surreal Madras boycotted Ballon D’Or over Tesco Dave snub

Somerset Sunday League team Surreal Madras FC have admitted that they didn’t attend the Ballon D’Or celebrations in Paris because they felt that their captain and midfield enforcer Tesco Dave was overlooked for the main award.


Supermarket worker Dave Stone was beaten to the award by Manchester City’s Rodri, demonstrating a ‘lack of respect for this country’s best Sunday morning footballer’ according to Surreal Madras FC representatives. ‘Tesco was brilliant for us all season, and only got sent off once which was for sarcasm after asking a bespectacled ref if there was any point in him wearing glasses’.


Surreal Madras boss Steve ‘Nutter’ Chester was similarly unsuccessful in the manager category, although he did get more votes than Erik ten Hag.




Jeremy Hunt really concerned where that £22 billion went

“It was all there where I left it. I even wrote a little note that said, “Here is a lot of money”. It really is terribly worrying that this inexperienced chancellor, whoever his name is, has lost it all. When I left, fully expecting to return after a massive Tory election win, I thought I would carry on with all my good work. There was a total absence of economic black holes at that point, my plan was to lower taxes and give gift vouchers to everyone. Weird.”


He then tutted and shook his head. “I mean to lose all that money in such a short period of time is terrible, I think they may have pulled a full Truss so to speak”, an aide then whispered something in his ear, and he then muttered, “She was on our side?”




Opposition more effective with 8 ft inflatable middle finger leading Tories

The Conservative Membership have rejected the cream of dismal incompetents on offer to lead their Party in favour of a large, inflatable middle digit.


'This will say all we need to say,' explained Marjory Pitchfork, 73, and leader of the Young Conservatives. 'During the harridan Rachel Reeves' Budget speech, we employed the services of the loudest, clankiest old diesel generator to drown her out while our Middle Finger Of Glory slowly inflated.


'It sends out a clear message to this disastrous Labour government and the entire country that we are to be taken seriously. The Finger will represent our thinking on all matters of national importance in the House of Commons, and will stand with pre-inflated pride during PMQs, on BBC Question Time, and when delivering speeches at Party Conference. Hail to our new and Glorious Master, who will lead us into the next general election and become our beloved prime minister.'


'I might have found it distracting,' responded Chancellor Rachel Reeves, 'but they ordered an inflatable thumb instead of a middle finger.


'I'll take that.'


The Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer added, 'Once they recognised their error, they did replace the thumb with a middle finger. Thus far, however, I have not been intimidated. That is largely because they keep inflating it the wrong way round.


'Ed Miliband finds it quite arousing, actually.'




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