Those stolen Louvre national treasures in full

'Mon Dieu!' wailed a curator from the Louvre. 'These jewels swiped from our museum were literally unique.

'Just think, these Philistines took Brigitte Bardot's cat flap. How can we ever replace a national treasure like that?

'And they stole Sir Stephen Fry - a British national treasure which was on loan to us from King Charles. They must have cut him up into pieces to get him through the Louvre window.

'Quel dommage! Such damage! They will probably end up being sold for scrap.'

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.'

In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.'

Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld.

Lucifer has been under growing pressure over his links with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, who was quite frankly even more evil and therefore more deserving of the titles.

In the statement, the Serpent said: 'I vigorously deny the accusations that I have done anything right. I am just as bad as him, and haven't ever done anything good with my life.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Birmingham bin strike now a tourist attraction

The Birmingham bin strike is well into its eighth month, but it's not all bad news.

Several enterprising companies are offering 'bin strike experiences' and guided tours of the main locations.

Colin leads the 'Apocalypse Now' tour, which is popular with residents and visitors alike. 'It's not too serious,' he says. 'No-one wants to be lectured about typhoid and dysentery.

'We ask our guests to put on Hazmat suits for the tour, and we give them Geiger counters and a mallet for hitting rats with. So they are ready for anything. On the De Luxe tour, we throw in oxygen tanks and someone to translate the Brummie accent. We aim to give them the authentic experience of living in a city affected by a long and unsolvable bin strike.

'People can't get enough of it. It's always very reassuring to see people who are worse off than you are. One lady from Solihull has done the tour eleven times.

'I do worry about the strike and the piles of rubbish, though. If the council or the government were to settle the strike, then I'm out of a job.'

Image credit: perchance.org