Satan shocked by Post Office actions

Satan, the Chair and Chief Executive of Hell, is shocked by the Post Office’s actions in prosecuting sub-postmasters and expressed sympathy with victims of the scandal and their families. 

He says that he originally believed that the British Post Office was managing the prosecutions ‘competently and honestly’. Over time, however, it became clear that they had ‘cocked it all up, big time’.

The Prince of Darkness sent us the following statement from his hotmail account.

‘I am shocked by the Post Office's actions in prosecuting so many innocent people. It is right that there is a public inquiry to investigate and I hope that their report will add to my limited understanding of what has happened.

‘When people pass on, I do get first dibs on anyone who has been to prison, or has a criminal conviction. I’ve been sent a number of sub-postmasters on this basis, but frankly, they have wasted my time. They were all good, kind and well meaning people – pillars of their community – and exactly the sort of folk that make me feel physically ill. There’s no way that I can let them into Hell. They would be a total buzz kill. I sent them all upstairs.'

Image: Photo by Vitaliy Shevchenko on Unsplash

Kier Starmer withdraws support for himself

Kier Starmer, the leader of the Labour party, has withdrawn his support for himself. He had originally backed his actions regarding the Labour candidate in Rochdale. But after reading the newspapers he then performed a U-turn and he has now withdrawn his support for himself.

Sir Kier has spent days defending himself and has now apologised for his inexcusable inactions.

Sir Kier Starmer will continue to be the Labour party leader as it is too late to replace him.

Image: Photo by Alexandre Boucey on www.unsplash.com

UK doesn't need to check Boeing aircraft, gloats Government, citing Brexit

Following the unscheduled depressurisation of an Alaskan Airlines flight in the US, followed by a chunk of the fuselage falling away after landing, the Federal Aviation Authority has grounded all affected aircraft in the US for inspections.  The European regulator, EASA, has followed suit, advising affected operators to check the aircraft for similar problems.

The UK Government has dismissed the need to do the checks.  'This is the Brexit bonus we've been talking about.  While European passengers are hanging around waiting for lazy European engineers to do their checks, UK passengers don't have to.  They can fly anytime they feel like it, without being dictated to by some anonymous EU organisation,' a government spokesman said.

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